Hopefully, something below will encourage, bless, or in some way add value to your day.
(The picture below is from our recent trip to Fairhope, Alabama. Page and Palette Bookstore.)
The List of Five
It’s Your Move
We had been seated in an outdoor area. The restaurant was very busy. We ordered our food and were waiting on our pizza. The people at the next table were inches away. They apparently spoke no English. We definitely spoke no German (their language).
Yet, it did not take an understanding of their language to know they were angry with each other. We could not understand what they said but the hostile tone was clear. Each word seemed to be uttered in contempt. The tension was thick.
Later, I wondered what became of this couple. I wondered how they managed to get beyond this intense quarrel.
What does it take for a couple like this to make the first move toward problem solving and reconciliation? Far too many of us stubbornly wait for the other person to go first.
If only she would do what I want her to do, things would be good.
It’s not my fault.
She started it.
Contrast this with a willingness to make the first move.
We can make the first move by taking action. Instead of being passive, we can be intentional. We can acknowledge that something is wrong and work through it. We can apologize, take action, and make amends.
We can make the first move by initiating. Instead of making passive-aggressive comments, denying that anything is wrong, or remaining silent, you and I could initiate something positive.
You and I can make the first move by focusing on this valuable relationship instead remaining stuck in our pride. We can choose to either protect our prideful self-interest or invest in this relationship.
Make the first move.
This is what Jesus did at the cross. He went first (Romans 5:8).
Bottom line:
Stop procrastinating. Start doing what you need to do.
Stop blaming another for your lot in life.
Focus on what step you need to take.
People Who Make You Better
My dad grew up in a modest home in Oklahoma, the oldest son in a family who just got by financially. I heard him say a number of times, “ My family didn’t have much but neither did anyone else!”
Their family was a part of a church in Granite. W.D. Hockaday (1855 – 1944), one of the elders of their church, was very influential in his life. His son, Don Hockaday Jr., preached at the church. W.D. Hockaday owned a hardware store and was an encourager of many good works. He helped found Cordell Christian College in 1907, with its first President being, J.N. Armstrong. Hockaday’s sister was Sally Hockaday Benson, the wife of George S. Benson (later President of Harding University). As a boy, my dad knew that Hockaday was a good and generous man.
My dad enjoyed telling one particular story about Hockaday that occurred during the Great Depression years. Typically, Hockaday would pass out Christmas presents to all the children in town. Children would line up in front of his store and wait their turn. Inside the store, Hockaday sat by a potbellied stove as each child passed by. He gave them a paper sack with a few nuts, fruit, and a piece of candy. For many of these children, including my dad, this would be the only Christmas present they would receive.
Fast forward many years later. I remember leaving Bible class one rainy Wednesday evening. Our family drove to a house on nearby Buckner Blvd. We knocked on the door and waited for someone to answer. Finally, a young family came to the door (the entire family). My parents had brought a sack of groceries for the family. They gave the father the key to our white Ford, what had been my mother’s car. My parents were trying to help this young family, giving them groceries and loaning them a car. As a young boy, I watched all of this closely.
On another occasion, when I was still in elementary school, a little girl came to live with us. Her mother was a single parent with five children. I don’t remember the details but her mother could no longer care for the children. Various people in the congregation took in these children. One little girl stayed with our family for a few weeks. My parents responded with graciousness and generosity toward this young girl.
Later, I reflected on what my parents did on these occasions and how these moments might have impacted me. I also thought about W.D. Hockaday who modeled generosity before my father, when he was a child, and now my father was modeling this before me.
Could God use a family like yours? Absolutely. Better yet, he may already be using your family to plant seeds of faith, love, and generosity into the hearts of your children.
What our children learn:
They hear how we talk about the church. They can learn that the people who make up the church really do matter.
They hear how we talk to our own parents. They can learn respect and appreciation.
They hear how we talk to others in their presence and how we talk about them when they are not around. They can learn integrity.
They hear and see how we respond to others in a time of need. They can learn compassion.
Believe What Is True
What we believe about ourselves, God, and life really do matter. It is possible to live for years and hold on to beliefs that are just not rooted in reality or the character of God. For example, some of us may believe the lies that diminish our worth and value. Some examples?
1. You are not worth very much. Years ago in Kansas City, I heard a drunken father in the house next door scream at his five-year-old. He told her how worthless she was, using vile, degrading language. Such a bully can do great damage even though he is speaking lies. The truth is that this girl was precious in the eyes of God, created in his image. She was deeply loved by God. Yet, such words, heard as a child, can deeply wound.
2. Your past mistakes disqualify you from God ever working through you. The evil one might communicate thoughts indicating that no one has failed like you.
Yet, God’s grace is greater than any mistake you have ever made. It is greater than the offense that put you in jail, the affair, or the past drug issues. God’s forgiveness is larger than any failure in your past. Through his powerful forgiveness and grace, God can redeem the brokenness in your life. It is possible to start over.
3. You just don’t measure up. It is amazing just how many put-downs some hear every day. The source may be social media, one’s acquaintances, or even one’s own family. Perhaps some of this criticism comes from our own “inner critic.” The inner critic might say, “You are too old or too young. You are not as smart, outgoing, or as attractive as others.” Walk through any magazine display. Everyone seems to have perfect skin, a perfect shape, a beautiful smile. You may come away feeling plain, ordinary, too small or too large. Yet, long ago when Israel was choosing a king, we were told that while others may focus on human appearance, God focuses on a person’s heart (I Samuel 16:7).
4. Your life will never be significant. This lie suggests that you are lacking in significance unlike those who serve as medical doctors, attorneys, professional football/basketball players, celebrities, etc. You may think, “I am just a teacher, just a preacher, or just an hourly worker.” Yet a significant life is not determined by your achievements or what you have acquired in life. Rather, a significant life is one in which we live in harmony with God.
The truth is far more attractive than any of the above.
I really do matter to God.
My past mistakes do not disqualify me from experiencing God’s grace and forgiveness.
I am more concerned about living out of the reality of my life than creating any pretense about my life.
I am significant as a child of God. My significance is not something I have achieved or acquired but is God-given.
Three Ways To Increase Your Effectiveness With Others
(Especially for Ministers and Church Leaders)
The following are three of the most important behaviors I have learned for working with a congregation of any size. I first heard these, many years ago, from Dr. Edwin Friedman in his post-graduate seminar in Bethesda, Maryland. Later, I would read more about them in two of his books: Generation to Generation and A Failure of Nerve.
Be a calm presence.
There is often much anxiety in congregations. Various people may have strong opinions and demand their way. Some may threaten to leave while others make demands or give ultimatums.
Sometimes, a group of elders will attempt to pass off their own anxiety to a new minister in the congregation. More than one minister candidate has been told by the elders during the interview process, “We just want everybody to be happy.”
The minister may carry his own anxiety into his work. Or, this person may take on the anxiety of the congregation. Yet, it can be so helpful if this person can function as a non-anxious presence or is at least a less-anxious presence.
Perhaps several families leave the congregation in one month with each family saying they are leaving because of the lack of resources for their small children. In some congregations, there would immediate hand-wringing in the next elders’ meeting with someone demanding a quick fix. “We must do something immediately!” A quick, rash decision is made and a hurried announcement is communicated on a Sunday morning. Regardless, there may be push-back from the congregation. Quick, rash decisions are not usually the way to deal with anxiety in a church.
Stay connected.
When a congregation experiences anxiety, church leaders might be tempted to disconnect emotionally from those with whom they are experiencing the greatest conflict. If a minister has conflict with a particular elder or staff person, that minister may look for ways to disconnect with the elder/staff person, both physically and emotionally.
The minister might even become embroiled in an anxious dispute with the elders in an us-versus-them conflict. He may disconnect from them emotionally and then wonder why things are getting even worse.
It is important to stay emotionally connected, as much as possible with the people in your church, even those with whom you typically disagree. This doesn’t mean you have to be “close” friends. However, one can take the initiative to prevent cut-offs and complete disconnections.
Have a position.
Staying connected with others does not mean you have to forfeit your opinions. Some ministers/elders attempt to ride the fence on most everything. If cutting yourself off from the critics is on one end of a continuum, the other end might be those who attempt to be whatever any group in the church wants them to be. They attempt to avoid conflict at all costs.
These efforts basically reflect that the church leader is willing to abandon any sense of leadership in order to avoid conflict. In other words, he is willing to sacrifice progress over peace.
It is far better to state where you are in your thinking while valuing everyone else in the congregation whether they hold your position or not.
Leadership is hard work. It begins with learning to manage yourself. These three behaviors are very important if a congregation is going to be able to make any progress. They have been very helpful to me.
Resources
You might enjoy reading Dr. Jeremie Beller’ fine article in The Christian Chronicle (March 2022) entitled, “Preaching to be heard: Why it matters so much.” Excellent!
See Thomas Oppong’s helpful piece “A Learning Secret: Write Things Down to Retain And Remember More,” March 7.
“Americans are besieged by stress, poll finds” by Erika Edwards, March 10, 2022.
Each Thursday/Friday, I post about ten tweets especially for ministers and other believers as they anticipate Sunday. You can find me @jimmartin.
I serve as Vice President of Harding School of Theology, Memphis, Tennessee. You can find me on Facebook - @jim.martin or Instagram - @jimmartin.jm My e-mail address is: jmartin9669@gmail.com. Feel free to write. I would love to hear what is encouraging or helpful. — Jim Martin
Jim Martin's Encouragement Note #53