The List of Five
When You Wonder if You Are Good Enough
Perhaps you, like me, have wondered about this at times. Am I enough as I attempt to be a parent to my two daughters?
Anne Lamott speaks of how eventually we have to let our children grow up:
They have to find their own ways and their own answers. You can’t run alongside your grown children with sunscreen and ChapStick on their hero’s journey. You have to release them. It’s disrespectful not to.
David Zahl, in his book Seculosity, suggests that this tendency on the part of parents may have more to do with our own issues.
The most overt, and probably most damaging expression of the secularity of parenting occurs when parents lean on their children for their enoughness.
For some, a child’s acceptance into an elite college may help the parents finally feel like they are enough. After all, “My child got into this particular college.” This may be the same parent who either hovers over them or attempts to bulldoze any obstacle that might be in their child’s path.
Of course, there are parents who refuse to hover or bulldoze. They understand that a child’s failure can actually help develop resilience. Yes, it is tough to see your child strike out in the game. It is even tougher when your child seems to be in a batting slump and strikes out again and again.
Yet, this child may be learning resilience in the process. She may learn that she isn’t fragile and can do hard things.
We parents, in our insecurity, often worry. We may worry, not so much about our child, but what other parents might think about us. What if they think that in some way we do not measure up as parents? Perhaps the even deeper fear, David Zahl suggests, is that others might think we don’t measure up as people.
The truth is, you have no control over what another person might think of you. In fact, a parent may eventually learn that all of the hovering and bulldozing really doesn’t work:
Your children are not more likely to turn out right if you are tense, stressed, and stay on them all the time.
Your children are not more likely to turn out right if you spend your time and energy comparing yourself to the parenting of others.
Your children are not more likely to turn out right if you are the “perfect” parent. We may be committed to our children but there are no perfect parents.
Rather, the best thing we can do is to rest in Christ and fiercely love our children. The good news is that we are enough in Christ and this does not depend on how our children might turn out.
God loves you deeply even though there are days when you fall short as a parent. Your enoughness is not based on whether or not you function well as a parent today. It is based on God’s love.
Your enoughness as a parent is a gift from God through Jesus Christ. You ARE enough.
How Did I Become Me?
Two stories.
First, I remember one particular evening at the United Parcel Service hub in Dallas. A group of us were about to begin loading delivery trucks in preparation for delivery the next day. Before the shift began, an executive who had just moved from New Jersey wanted to meet with our group. He was well dressed, in his mid-forties, and very articulate. At one point, I said something to him that came out wrong. He said nothing but looked at me for a few moments. I felt embarrassed and all of my old insecurities seemed to bubble up in that moment.
Second, I recall sitting at my in-law’s dining room table in Florence, Alabama. I was reading about various seminaries, trying to decide where I might go to school. My father-in-law walked into the room. He looked me in the eye and said he was confident that I was capable of doing most anything. His genuine expression of confidence took me aback.
Both of these events are a part of my story.
If you were to describe how you become you, what would you say?
For example:
How did you become so tender-hearted? Did you grow up with tender-hearted, compassionate parents? Or, did the Lord have to soften a very hard heart over time?
How did you become so cynical? Were you hurt and disappointed by someone you trusted and loved deeply? Was this a “Christian” person? Was this a church leader who spoke one way behind a live microphone on Sunday morning but then was curt, rude, and a bully in an elders’ meeting?
How did you become so loving? Was this self-giving love modeled for you at home? Did your mom or dad show you again and again what it means to demonstrate a fierce love for you?
How did you become so insecure? Did someone in your early years laugh, mock, or belittle you? Were you told that you just don’t measure up?
I have been thinking about the question: “How did I become me?” While I had particular influences, my life cannot be summed up in blaming others. Nor, do I want to naively think that somehow I am self-made.
How did I become me?
My past sins, immature choices, selfish endeavors were factors - I look back at my life and can see many choices I regret. I am thankful that God in his grace accepted my repentance and washed away my sins with his abundant forgiveness.
Wonderful, godly women and men helped shape me - My mother/dad as well as Charlotte’s parents were important. Friends like Steve Codara, Doug Kirkland, Bill Petty, and many others came alongside me. Mentors helped shape me. There were people such as Lynn Anderson, Charles Coil, and Ken Dye. When we lived in Waco, I would periodically drive to Ft. Worth to have lunch with attorney and former minister, John Allen Chalk. We talked about life and ministry. All of these people made me better because of their encouragement.
God’s saving grace has forgiven me and continues to shape me - I became me through the work of God in my life. Not only has he forgiven me but he continues to make me into the person he has called me to be. God has redeemed my brokenness and has given me the very life of Jesus. This has made such a difference in my marriage and in my life as a parent.
What about you? How did you become you?
Four Reasons You Can Be Encouraged Today
Yet I still belong to you;
you hold my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
leading me to a glorious destiny.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
I desire you more than anything on earth.
26 My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart;
he is mine forever. (Ps. 73:23-26)
God gives you security. “You hold me by my right hand.” The world calls you to place your security in your financial investments, your youth, your physical beauty, or your job title. Yet, you and I can actually find our security with God. He holds your hand and will not abandon you.
Consider those times when, like me, you’ve awakened at 3:00 AM, full of anxiety. “Oh my goodness, what am I going to do about _____?” Yet, God is present with you.
God gives you direction. “You guide me with your counsel.” God will give you guidance, direction, and wisdom. It is not up to you to figure out life on your own. God is with you.
God gives you destiny. “... leading me to a glorious destiny.” No matter what you might experience in this life, ultimately things are going to be all right. There will be resurrection and a new tomorrow. When it seems like there are no options, remember that you have a destiny that is a gift of God.
God gives you strength. “God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.” You may become discouraged and disheartened. You may be overwhelmed by all of the obstacles you are facing. But God will give you strength to navigate through the hard days and nights.
Do you need to hear this today? I do.
You Can Take a Step Forward in Your Leadership (Especially for Ministers and Church Leaders)
A group of people (perhaps ministers and/or elders) meet together.
They are discussing a particular project. Some have deeply held opinions and emotions. At some point, the meeting seems to go off the rails. A few tempers flare. Someone makes a cutting remark insinuating that a minister’s motive is impure. This person continues to speak while the others in the room remain quiet. No one seems to have this minister’s back. It is a pretty awful experience.
Yet, such meetings could be quite different. A few questions seem important:
Is it possible for those of us who serve as ministers/elders to bring a less anxious presence into most any gathering? I don’t mean a “less anxious presence” as a technique to use with people. Rather, this is an authentic way of being present and not allowing your anxiety or the anxiety of others to govern your behavior.
How do we cultivate the real spirit of leadership? How can those of us in churches encourage others to lead instead of discouraging them from leading?
What do we do when our own brokenness seems to get in the way? Often, this brokenness is displayed in the works of the flesh. You begin to see in ministers/elders such things as, “. . . hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division. . .” (Galatians 5:20). Yet, far too often there is no repentance of these behaviors. Instead some make excuses (“That’s just the way he is”) or they remain silent about the misbehavior, not even acknowledging that what was just experienced was wrong and not of God.
How can we allow the fruit of the Spirit to thrive in our leadership? Can others be in our presence and sense God’s presence? Does the fruit of the Spirit seem to permeate our conversations? “. . . love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control . . .” (Galatians 5:22).
Many ministers/church leaders are good people who display the fruit of the Spirit in their leadership. Yet, others have diminished their credibility and influence by allowing their brokenness to run rampant, damaging individuals and relationships.
As a result, others may not remember the redeemed self of a particular minister (or elder). Instead, they may remember how they were manipulated, hurt, and disillusioned by that person’s own brokenness.
So where do you begin as a minister? Begin with yourself.
Are you allowing other godly people to mentor or shepherd you?
Are you accountable to a group of believers who will help you in your spiritual journey?
Are you bringing your redeemed self to your minister group or elder group? Are you being fully present with others in full surrender to what the Spirit wishes to do in your life?
Etcetera - Listening and Reading
I have been reading Philip Yancey’s excellent memoir, Where the Light Fell. This is a wonderful memoir!
This week, I have also been reading David Zahn’s very fine book, Seculosity: How Career, Parenting, Technology, Food, Politics, and Romance Became Our New Religion and What to do About It.
An interesting article by Surgeon General Vivek H. Murthy on loneliness - “We Have Become a Lonely Nation. It’s Time to Fix That.” I found his own transparency regarding this very interesting.
I like this Tim Keller quote:
The mark of the godly man is he likes to change. The mark of the godly man is he says, 'Lord, show me where I should change, and I'll do it. Show me where I should obey, even where it's hard, and I'll do it. (June 4, 2015)
Recently, I have been listening again to many of Gordon Lightfoot’s songs that I first heard in the 1970s. Canadian Singer/songwriter Gordon Lightfoot passed away on May 1, 2023. Lightfoot sang hits such as Canadian Railroad Trilogy and The Wreck of Edmund Fitzgerald. Bob Dylan referred to Lightfoot as the “greatest living song writer.”
I serve as Vice President of Harding School of Theology, Memphis, Tennessee.
Every other Monday morning, I publish this “Encouragement Note.” You can subscribe at jimmartin.substack.com. You can also find me on Facebook - @jim.martin or Instagram - @jimmartin.jm. My e-mail address is: jmartin9669@gmail.com. Feel free to write. I would love to hear what is encouraging or helpful. — Jim Martin
Jim Martin's Encouragement Note #82