If you are in a challenging season of life, I hope you find something in the following “Encouragement Note” helpful. Perhaps you are a person shouldering a lot of responsibility and you are tired - bone tired. You may be a minister trying to navigate things at church and feeling weary. Perhaps being a parent is particularly hard right now. Hopefully, you will find something encouraging in the following words.
The List of Five
Worry, Anxiety, and a Very Helpful Tool
What do you do with your worry? Unfortunately, at times I have given worry a front row seat in my mind. Then, at 3:00 AM, I awaken and rehearse the “What ifs?” which only adds fuel to the worry. (I am all too familiar with this!) For others, worry and anxiety may spill over into relationships. As a result, words may be sharp and curt. We may blame others for our problems or project our anger onto them.
I heard Steve Cuss refer to a tool that he found helpful and recommended to his listeners. He suggested processing a situation with these three questions:
What is yours to carry?
What is theirs to carry?
What is God’s to carry?
Perhaps you are worried or anxious about a family member, a work project, or a church situation.
What is yours to carry? What is your role, your job, or your responsibility in this situation? Your task may be to manage your own emotions and behavior instead of reacting. Or, your task may be to speak in a calm voice even though the people around you are highly anxious.
What is theirs to carry? A particular decision may belong to others. You are not responsible for someone else’s feelings or functioning. You are responsible for how you behave and how you function. This is a reminder that at times we may worry about things for which we have absolutely no control.
What is God’s to carry? What is completely in God’s hands? I have found passages such as Philippians 4:4-9 both helpful and encouraging.
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
God is near. He is present! As a Christ-follower, I can present my requests to God, believing that his presence matters.
The following might be helpful as you and I grapple with difficulties:
Pray for clarity regarding the situation, the conflict or the mess. Take charge of your own behavior and your own functioning in this situation.
Take a blank piece of paper (or blank document on a screen) and write down the three questions from Steve Cuss (above). This tool can help in processing the problem as you get clear about what you are and are not responsible for.
This tool has really helped me, particularly when I have felt completely overwhelmed by a particular problem. Perhaps you will find this helpful.
The Church of the Second Chance
In her novel, Saint Maybe, Anne Tyler writes about seventeen year old Ian Bedloe who felt tremendous guilt after the suicide of his older brother. He and his brother Danny had an argument and later that same night his brother was killed in a car crash. Ian believed that he was responsible for the death of his older brother and the eventual suicide of Danny’s grief stricken widow.
Ian was walking down a street in his community one day and saw this compelling sign in front of a church building: “The Church of the Second Chance.” Much of the book centers on Ian’s life after he became a part of this church.
There is something about this sign that is so appealing to me. Perhaps it simply reminds me of my own need for God’s grace.
Years ago, while living in North Alabama, I attended a Alcoholics Anonymous meeting with a friend who was a member of this group. Part of the evening included a special celebration of this friend’s sobriety for one year. I recall this evening in particular because it was the first time I had actually heard someone introduce themselves this way: “Hi, my name is Mark and I am an alcoholic.”
As I think about the “Church of the Second Chance,” it reminds me of my own need to self-identify as one who badly need the Lord and his grace. I seriously need the daily encouragement that can only be found in the Lord.
Today, I want to acknowledge to God that I am undone, sinful, full of pride, and in desperate need for him. “God have mercy on me, a sinner” (Luke 18:13).
Hear the words of Michael Quoist:
Deliver me from my mind; it is full of itself, of its ideas, its opinions; it cannot carry on a dialogue, as no words reach it but its own. (Prayers, p. 113)
This humility before God might even carry over to how I relate to my spouse, my parents or children, and to co-workers. It could be that this humility might set a refreshing tone for how I relate to another.
Take Away:
It is tempting to keep a long list of slights, offenses, and hurts that others have inflicted. They can occupy way too much space in your mind, which will rob you of joy and energy.
I am at my best when I remember that all that I have and all that I am is a gift of God’s grace. Remembering this has a way of humbling me.
You Were Meant to Grow
Over time, we can take on habits that are not good or helpful and may even be destructive. For example, some people become complacent. Because of past efforts, they may think they have “put in their time.” They become lazy and self-absorbed.
Yet, Christian people are not called to complacency because no matter what we do in our vocation, we serve the Lord. You may be a coach, a teacher, an executive, or a minister. You serve the Lord. Even a “retired” person is to serve the Lord. You are in Jesus’ service or ministry.
Henri Nowen reminds us in The Living Reminder that “Ministry is service in the name of the Lord” (p. 12).
Dr. Bill Kirk, was a Christian psychologist who lived for many years in Dallas. He and his wife Virginia moved to Waco, Tx. while I was a minister there. Bill was about 76 years old. One day I was in my office at the church building. The receptionist called and said, “Dr. Kirk is here and would like to talk with you.” Bill came into my office, sat down, and said, “I don’t want to take up a lot of time but I really enjoyed that sermon yesterday and was wondering where I could do more reading along the same line.” I gave him the title of a book and he said he would order the book.
As he left, I wondered, “How can I continue to learn and grow like him? How can I be fully alive like Bill when I am 76 years old? Will I still smile like he does? Will I continue to read and learn like he does?”
A few years later, I wrote the following to help give direction to my own desire to continue growing.
Step Forward – Start now, take a step forward. Some people procrastinate, putting off what they know they need to address. They may be waiting on more information, more knowledge, or more expertise. Yet, it is important to simply start. We begin to stretch by starting.
Step Away – Take time to think, read and reflect. When there is no self-reflection, there may be little self-awareness. As a result, a person may ignore his/her past which may actually be influencing the present. Perhaps I need to consider my own functioning and attempt to evaluate how much of this is a carry over or a reaction to my past.
Step Up --Take responsibility for your own behavior. Stepping up might be just be owning our behavior. “You know, I was on edge in that meeting last week. I know I spoke abruptly, acting as if my point of view was all that mattered. I’m sorry.” Stepping up is to acknowledge that our recent behavior may not have been right. We take responsibility for what we do. Mature leaders refuse to blame others. While some may point the finger at other people, the mature leader is looking at how she/he might have contributed to this.
Step Back - Take a step back to keep your perspective. Maybe you’ve had a difficult conversation with a co-worker that didn’t seem to go well. Then you learn that she had a heartbreaking conversation last night with her teenage son. The intensity of last night’s conversation seems to be spilling over into this conversation at work. Consider your own life! Take a step back to see if what might be taking place in your emotions is impacting how you are handling other situations right now.
Start the Week with a Commitment to Manage Yourself
I was in Denver, boarding a plane about to leave. Passengers were getting settled in their seats. At one point, a man across the aisle from me, announced to us all in a loud voice that he was not happy. “I’m not comfortable! I’m just not comfortable!” He had brought a very large bag onto the plane and put it under the seat in front of him. Consequently he had no room for his feet.
Even though there were several hundred total strangers on board this aircraft, he felt compelled to let us all know that he was not comfortable! Perhaps you know people like this. They want everyone around them to know how they feel at most any moment. These people can impact the mood and functioning of the entire group. One person in a family, a business, or a church can manage to garner much of the attention of the group. When this person is present, there seems to be drama.
Healthy people seem to have some awareness about their impact on others. The following questions may be helpful as you think about your family, your work, or your presence with friends:
How do I actually function as a member of a group?
How do others experience my presence?
Would others describe me as being a team player or would they say that I tend to function as a lone ranger?
How do I behave when there is a conflict within the group?
Am I quick tempered or do I tend to avoid dealing with conflict.
Do I become anxious about the approval of others?
How do I actually function as a leader? Do I tend to lead with anxiety or would others describe me as a less anxious presence? What am I like as a marriage partner? What am I like to work with?
Healthy leaders learn to manage their emotions and their behavior. Unhealthy leaders burn relational bridges, turn conversations into challenges, and heap frustration and anger on one another.
Managing yourself is not about working more hours or trying harder, but taking responsibility for one’s own behavior. For example, a person who is managing himself well does not engage in blaming and projecting onto others blame and fault. Nor does this person shrug his shoulders in resignation concluding that this is the fault of another.
Meanwhile, you may know others who, when present in a conversation, seem to add energy and life to the room. They engage with others in a manner that builds and encourages. They often bring a calmness into the room through their less anxious presence.
For just under eight years, I preached in Florence, Alabama. One Sunday evening, my in-laws were present. I was preaching a sermon and was agitated as I preached it. Earlier I had read a book that disturbed me.
After church, my father-in-law, who had preached for many years, approached me. He said, “I agree with most of what you said in your sermon. But let me talk to you about something. Jim, when you preach and you are obviously upset and anxious, we all become upset and anxious. We take our cues from you.” There is a way to address difficult subjects in a manner that communicates that even though the subject is important, I am calm and God is still in control.
Likewise, children take their emotional cues from their parents. In the congregation, how I manage myself as a minister, an elder, or any other kind of influencer matters. People in the congregation will take their cues from their leaders.
Whether you are a business person, a minister, a teacher or are in any other kind of leader, how you manage yourself matters.
Takeaway
Consider the relationships that most concern you at the moment. Perhaps it is your marriage, your relationship with one of your children, or your relationship with an someone in your church. How might you best manage yourself, your behavior and actions?
Resources
Just listened to Carey Nieuwhof’s excellent podcast interview with Jennifer Kolari. This was very helpful! In the interview, she explains her CALM technique for dealing with conflict. The transcript is here.
The CALM method is a way of deep listening using language, compassion and empathy literally as medicine. It will soothe and calm AND bring both participants in the conversation into brain-heart coherence.
Here’s a brief outline of the framework:
C – CONNECT
A – AFFECT
L – LISTEN
M – MIRRORRecently read “Why Do We Shout When We Argue? Lack of Confidence” by Vanessa Bohns in The Wall Street Journal, Saturday/Sunday, August 21-22, 2021. I was intrigued by this particular line - “Research shows that we are overconfident in our beliefs but under-confident about being heard. So we compensate by being loud.”
See Elizabeth Oldfield’s interview (The Sacred podcast) with Conservative MP for Penistone and Stocksbridge Miriam Cates. 18/08/2021 I found this to be so interesting.
See David Fisher’s, The 21st Century Pastor. Rich images of ministry. (Thank you Matt Snowden)
(Image above is from: Unsplash - Mukul Wadhwa)
I serve as Vice President of Harding School of Theology, Memphis, Tennessee. You can find me at God-Hungry.org. You can find me on Facebook - @jim.martin. My e-mail address is: jmartin9669@gmail.com. Feel free to write. I would love to hear what is encouraging or helpful. — Jim Martin
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