I didn’t like what I heard. Unfortunately, it was me who was talking. I was complaining (again) about something. Yet, even while I was complaining, I knew this kind of talk was a dead-end street.
I don’t want my complaining to blind me from an opportunity that might be right in front of me.
The List of Five
What is Our Opportunity?
We were on our way back to the Pepperdine University campus. I had just eaten lunch with Lynn Anderson, a longtime minister, friend, and mentor. He asked about my family and specifically about our marriage. I expressed frustration with my own behavior. In many ways, I was too passive regarding some very practical areas of marriage and doing my share of the work around our house. I expressed that I was aware of passivity being an issue in several men in our extended family.
I was driving the rental car and we were just about to turn onto the campus. He looked at me intently and said, “Do you know that by choosing to be a different kind of man, you have an opportunity to impact several generations in your family?”
That conversation took place decades ago. However, I have not forgotten these words. After all, he was telling me that this could be a day of opportunity.
What about you? Could it be that by taking just the right step - even a seemingly small step - you could move forward in the right direction? Could it be that this is the day of opportunity?
“So then, let’s work for the good of all whenever we have an opportunity, and especially for those in the household of faith.” - Galatians 6:10 (CEB)
A Day Wasted or A Day Invested?
Maybe, this week, you have already done or said something that was very meaningful to someone else. Could it be that you are not yet aware of this?
James Boswell (1740-1795) is best known as the author of what some consider the greatest biography written in English: The Life of Samuel Johnson.
He was the eldest child of Alexander and Euphemia Boswell. As a young boy he began to exhibit signs of depression similar to what had affected generations of his family. He also developed some troubling physical symptoms, such as night fears and extreme timidity.
Boswell often referred to a very special day in his childhood when his father took him fishing. The day was fixed in his mind and he often reflected on the things that his father had taught him on this day. After hearing Boswell refer to this day on a number of occasions, someone decided to check the journals that Boswell’s father had been keeping to see what had been said about that trip from the perspective of a parent. Turning to that date in this journal, the reader found that only one sentence had been entered. “Gone fishing today with my son: a day wasted.”
A day wasted?
It was only wasted in the mind of the father. However, in the mind of his son, it was such a special day!
Perhaps you and I might look at any given day and conclude that not much happened that day. Yet, in the mind of someone we encouraged, spent time with, or spoke to, it may have been a very significant day.
Consider what might be done on an ordinary day:
You might intentionally call someone by name who may be surprised that you even know her name.
You might send a text acknowledging a birthday, someone’s surgery scheduled for that day, or an anticipated meeting.
You might speak with someone who typically considers himself to be an unimportant person or even a “nobody.”
(The story regarding James Boswell originated from Gordon MacDonald.)
Ten Desires for 2021
Recently, I wrote down ten statements that I am reading each day. Some of these reflect challenges. Others simply affirm what is important to me right now.
For me to say “no” is not to reject someone. Saying “no” is not mean, thoughtless, or bad. In fact, it may reflect that I am putting more care and energy into what I have already said “yes” to.
I want to be clear about what my foundation really is. What is my interior world built on? What do I want to pass on to my children and grandchildren?
My gratitude to God and my thankfulness to others are very important. After all, I am not entitled to anything. Expressing a “thank you” and a word of gratitude to God are important when I pray. I also want to express my thankfulness to others more regularly.
I want to saturate myself in Scripture. As I read and ponder God’s word, may my adoration of Him only increase!
I do not want to hide behind my perceived limitations. Far too often, I have allowed these preconceived limitations to cause hesitation instead of moving forward toward a new opportunity.
The attitude I choose is important. My attitude impacts the way I feel, my outlook, and the emotional atmosphere between myself and others.
I do not want to become overly focused on my physical age. Life has its seasons. I had some opportunities when was I was younger that I might not have again. However, I would rather focus on the opportunities I now have. I want to focus on how I can grow, learn, and mature all of my life.
Even taking a small step forward is progress. What is a small step I need to take?
May I dare step up to what is hard and challenging if this is in line with my purpose and God’s work.
I want to choose life and hope instead of complaining.
Are You Responsible for Others, or Responsible to Others?
The following quote by Kathleen Smith is particularly useful for ministers, church leaders, and their spouses:
Feeling and acting responsible for others often reflects our struggle to tolerate another person’s distress. When we sense anxiety in others, a quick way to calm ourselves down is to calm others. To manage emotions, thoughts, and behaviors that do not belong to us.
How do you get caught up in feeling and acting responsible for others? When you pick the restaurant, do you need everyone to enjoy their food? Do you avoid bringing up an important topic in your marriage, because it makes your spouse anxious? Do you reassure your child, “It’s going to be okay,” before you hear their thinking about a challenge?
When our actions are more about alleviating anxiety than relating to one another, we don’t give people the space to express their thinking or show us their capabilities. It’s also easy to get locked into relationship patterns that can drain the fun out of a friendship, snuff out the creativity in a work partnership, or eliminate intimacy in a marriage.
Being responsible to others is about expressing your own maturity. It’s about knowing your own thinking, embodying that thinking, and sometimes sharing that thinking with others. It is about directing self, rather than directing others. But here’s the tricky part— it also requires you to alleviate anxiety (or simply sit with it) in a different way than over-functioning.
Note the contrast that is in the blue box above. Now consider the application for ministers and church leaders.
Being responsible for others can look like:
Struggling to tolerate distress in the elders or the congregation. “Something must be wrong or everyone would be happy with me.” Such a perspective focuses on the futile attempt of trying to keep everyone happy.
Directing or reassuring the congregation in order to calm yourself down. In some congregations, the sermon may appear to direct and reassure the congregation when actually, it is being used to have a calming effect on the preacher. Instead of being a calm presence, emotionally connected with the church, and clear about one’s own perspective, the preacher attempts to use the sermon to reassure the group so the preacher can feel better.
Insisting that people borrow your thinking instead of using their own. Perhaps the minister presents an idea to the elder group. However, instead of helping the elders in their thinking, it is presented as “either you support me fully in my ideas or I will conclude that you must be like others in the church who are narrow, traditionalistic, and holding us back.”
Being responsible to others can look like:
Attempting to calm yourself down when you are in an elders’ meeting and the tension is high. You focus on how you are feeling and what is going on within you.
Being curious about the other person’s thinking. Perhaps as a church leader, someone approaches you who is very upset with something in the church. You might be tempted to either cut this person off or say something to placate him or her. Instead, you respond with genuine curiosity. “Can you help me understand how you arrived at your thinking?”
Directing yourself in the relationship based on your own best thinking. In other words, instead of allowing your emotions to rule the day, think through what is taking place in the dynamic of the relationship and what might be your best response.
Resources
God moves in mysterious ways. A refreshing story in which we are reminded of the the beauty of gratitude and connection. (Length is 2:57)
See the excellent article by Dr. Kathleen Smith, “Are You Responsible for Others, or Responsible to others?” June 4, 2021.
Read the 2021 Praxis Community Letter by Dave Blanchard. See also “The Rule of Life for Redemptive Entrepreneurs.” I love what so many of these businesses and initiatives are doing.
I keep up with what Australian John Dickson writes. See his excellent new book, Bullies and Saints: An Honest Look at Good and Evil of Christian History. Also see his podcast, “Undeceptions.”
Each Thursday/Friday, I post about ten tweets especially for ministers and other believers as they anticipate Sunday. You can find me @jimmartin.
I serve as Vice President of Harding School of Theology, Memphis, Tennessee. You can find me at God-Hungry.org. You can find me on Facebook - @jim.martin. My e-mail address is: jmartin9669@gmail.com. Feel free to write. I would love to hear what is encouraging or helpful. — Jim Martin
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