Jim Martin's Encouragement Note #96
When men declare they need no one else . . . Demands for your attention . . . Finishing strong . . . What your minister may not tell you (Especially for ministers & church leaders) . . . Etcetera
(Unsplash - Eric Ward)
The List of Five
When Men Declare They Need No One Else
Late one night “John” told me something I have remembered for many years. He said, “I don’t really have, or need, friends.” He went on to say that he only needed his wife and children.
He was a “Lone Ranger” kind of man who identified himself as needing no one else. It is one thing to acknowledge that you really don’t have any friends. It is quite another matter to say that you don’t need friends. Like many men, he did not seek to define himself as part of various relationships (other than his spouse and children) but sought to define himself by his independence.
Richard Reeves in his essay, “What Men Are For: When Lone Ranger Masculinity Bottoms Out” (Comment Magazine, Fall 2023) discusses a view of men that seems to focus on independence and even isolation. Such masculinity is often defined by a man “doing his own thing” or “going his own way” (p. 97).
Contrast this view with the way Reeves describes his father, who had a masculinity that was defined relationally.
My father’s masculinity is relational. It is shaped and affirmed by his roles as a father, a husband, and community member. . . My father’s role did not end with the paycheque: he was also our swimming coach, driving instructor, moving man, chauffeur, academic advisor, and much more besides. . . . Like my mother, who was equally engaged in our community, my father’s sense of self was created not in isolation and introspection but through relationships and service (p. 90-91).
Finally, Reeves suggests that such men, who are defined by relationships become men who live for others.
My middle son chose to attend Cardiff University, in part to be close to his grandparents. As I write, my father is helping him to move out of his college housing. My son recently told me that as he walks to his lectures, he sometimes looks north where he can see, about two miles away, the tower of a Victorian-era hospital that is opposite my parents’ home. ‘It just makes me feel better,’ he said, ‘You know, to know that they’re there. And that Grandpa would come help me if I needed him.”
Maybe this is a reminder that as believers, we really are to be men and women who live for others. This is what Jesus himself taught us (Mark 10:45). Jesus came not to be served but to serve and give his life as a ransom for many. As disciples of Jesus, we too are called to be a people who live for others.
Know this - the men who are living full lives are not those who use their independence to abandon their spouses, children, friends, etc. Rather, the full life is experienced by those who live for others. You are a husband, a dad, and a friend to others. Your strength and nobility are not found in flaunting your independence. Rather, you model nobility and strength in the way you life for others, beginning with your spouse and children.
When Attention Demands
Each day, most of us face many demands for our attention. Yet, unfortunately, we can become so distracted by these demands, that we may miss the opportunity to be intentional and selective regarding what is most important.
We have difficulty giving our full attention to what really matters and being fully present in the moment. Many of us skim along the surface of most any experience, like a bass boat speeding down a river. We are in perpetual motion but our lives never get beyond the surface of the moment.
Each day, somebody wants your attention. Whether it is a text message, an advertisement, or a request for your business, someone is asking for your attention. If you and I are not intentional about where we direct our attention, we will often passively give it to whoever seems to be persistent, persuasive, or the loudest.
Of all the demands for our attention, the following are particularly important:
1. We give attention to God himself. Consequently we are attentive to Scripture and what God reveals about his own character and what brings him pleasure.
2. We give attention to those who matter most. For those of us with families, this begins with our spouses and children. Then, what about our parents, grandchildren, and friends. Are you investing in these people? Or, are you passively waiting for them to take initiative toward you?
3. We give attention to our own growth and development. Are you growing and developing spiritually? Are you intentional about growing in Christlikeness? How do you and I behave emotionally when we interact with our families?
Most importantly, you and I need to be intentional about where we invest our attention.
Maybe we need to pray for discernment, that we might have the wisdom to know where we need to invest time, energy, and attention.
Finishing Strong
My friend and I were finishing lunch at a Mexican restaurant in Ft. Worth, Texas. At one point, he showed me his bracelet. On the yellow band were the words: “Finish Strong.” He talked about the importance of finishing well and finishing strong in his life and ministry.
Fifteen years later, in Nashville, I was at lunch with a new friend. We were talking about life and ministry. He said, “Let’s make a pact that we are not going to quit.”
In Gordon MacDonald’s fine book, A Resilient Life, he describes what it means to be a resilient people (p. vii):
In the great race of life, there are some Christ-followers who stand out from all the rest. I call them the resilient ones. The further they run, the stronger they get. They seem to possess these spiritual qualities:
They are committed to finishing strong.
They are inspired by a big-picture view of life.
They run free of the weight of the past.
They run confidently, trained to go the distance.
They run in the company of a “happy few.”
Yet, finishing strong is not something you and I are probably going to do independently in isolation from others. We need one another. Edward Farrell is quoted by MacDonald regarding the importance of other people (p. 266):
Listening is rare. There are certain people we meet to whom we feel we can talk because they have such a deep capacity for hearing; not hearing words only but hearing us as a person. They enable us to talk on a level which we have never before reached. They enable us to be as we have never been before. We shall never truly know ourselves unless we find people who can listen, who can enable us to emerge, to come out of ourselves, to discover who we are. We cannot discover ourselves by ourselves.
If we are going to finish strong, if we are going to finish well, it will probably be in the company of others. I want to surround myself with people who in some way help me to persevere and to live my life well. May I be that person for someone else.
What Your Minister May Not Tell You (Especially for Ministers and Other Church Leaders).
I have served as minister for much of my adult life. I preached in various churches for over three decades in Texas, Missouri, and Alabama. Most of the ministers I know are good people. The following are some realities of ministry that may not fit every single minister, but it is certainly characteristic of so many of us.
Your minister may not tell you about how difficult this task really is. Most ministers I know work very hard. Most work long hours. When I was a young minister, I remember hearing the old line about ministers working one hour a week. Those were awkward moments for me. I worked hard and at times felt a lot of stress regarding my ministry. Somehow, this old line was supposed to be funny. Yet, this seemed to be a cheap, passive-aggressive way of making a dig.
Your minister may not tell you how hurtful and frustrating some remarks really are. We were seconds away from beginning our morning service. I was about to say, “Good morning! I am glad you are here.” I was standing at the front of our auditorium, just about to speak, when a lady near the front said aloud to me “I am so angry with you!” I was not expecting this. I paused for a few moments, collected myself and said to the congregation, “Good morning!” Yet, her comment felt like someone had let all the air out of my spirit for the morning. I talked with her later in the week and things were made right.
Your minister may not tell you how difficult it is to preach/teach each week. Someone asked, “Jim, how do you come up with new and fresh material week after week?” Whatever he saw in my preaching, each week reflected many hours of reading, thinking, prayer, and paying attention to the congregation.
Your minister may not tell you that he is experiencing the normal concerns of life, even while attempting to minister to the congregation. Ministers have marriage concerns, child concerns, aging parent concerns, etc. Ministers are challenged by financial issues, health issues, and relationship issues. Some ministers may be concerned about their own future retirement and their lack of financial resources.
Your minister may not tell you about a personal need for encouragement. Some ministers, (particularly in small to medium sized churches) are asked to be generalists in their church, plus deal with troubled people, address family issues in the congregation, and minister to the sick and dying. Sincere, encouraging words of affirmation and appreciation can help greatly.
Some congregations have a couple of people who are constant critics. In the meantime, in far too many congregations, the people who love their preacher and appreciate his ministry are silent. They don’t criticize. They don’t praise. They say absolutely nothing. If you appreciate the person who is serving your congregation, it might mean much if you were to express your appreciation to them in person or through a note or text.
Etcetera
Austin Kleon quotes filmmaker Werner Herzog who gives this advice to other filmmakers:
“Read, read, read, read, read. Those who read own the world; those who immerse themselves in the Internet or watch too much television lose it. If you don’t read, you will never be a filmmaker. Our civilization is suffering profound wounds because of the wholesale abandonment of reading by contemporary society.”
Don’t miss Russell Moore’s December 7, 2023 newsletter. His feature article is “My Favorite Books of 2023.”
I have just started reading Esau McCaulley’s book, How Far to the Promised Land: One Black Family’s Story of Hope and Survival in the American South. Looking forward to this book!
This is the last “Encouragement Note” of 2023. The next one will be published on January 8, 2024. Thanks for reading these. I hope in some way these issues have blessed you.
I serve as Vice President of Harding School of Theology, Memphis, Tennessee.
Every other Monday morning, I publish this “Encouragement Note.” You can subscribe at jimmartin.substack.com. You can also find me on Facebook - @jim.martin or Instagram - @jimmartin.jm. My e-mail address is: jmartin9669@gmail.com. Feel free to write. I would love to hear what is encouraging — Jim Martin
Chris, thank you for your kind words! I hope you enjoy the holidays as well. Charlotte and I are so grateful for your friendship. Merry Christmas, Chris!
Jim, thank you for these encouragement notes. They are truly encouraging!