Jim Martin's Encouragement Note #95
When everyone is present and then gone . . . The peace of wild things . . . Are others enriched or drained by your presence? . . . When you feel isolated . . . Etcetera (Resources)
The List of Five
When Everyone is Present and Then Gone
One early Saturday morning, I sat in a hotel lobby in Oxford, Mississippi enjoying a cup of coffee. It was quiet. The day before, Charlotte and I spent time walking the town square and enjoying places like Square Books and eating at Boure. When we entered the hotel, the entire lobby was buzzing with university students, camped out at various tables, drinking coffee and studying. Even late last night, they were still there.
This morning, the students were gone. This lobby was a stark contrast to the activity the day before. Much like life, one season can be hectic and full of turmoil, the next season can be calmer and more serene. When we were rearing our children, back in Central Texas, life was often hectic. I have vivid memories of leaving the office, picking up Charlotte, and traveling 45 minutes to an hour to get to a gymnasium in time to see one of our girls play basketball or volleyball. Years later, our girls are grown, with children and mortgages of their own. Life for us now is very different than what it was.
Ten years ago, Charlotte and I moved to Memphis (December 2013). We met many, many wonderful people. Yet, it occurred to me that these people had not seen a large portion of our lives. In earlier years, before we moved to Memphis, these good people in Memphis could have seen:
Two young parents, trying to figure out how to raise two little girls.
A couple trying to deal with some hard moments of our life, the death of our parents, conflict in a church, and some of the hurts and disappointments of life.
A young insecure minister, trying to figure out how to best navigate life and ministry while attempting to trust God.
You may be living these days right now. Thankfully, these days don’t last forever.
Life moves by so quickly. When children are young, life can be a blur. One difficult day with crying, fighting children can seem to last forever. On the other hand, the years go by quickly. In a family, it may seem like everyone is present and then you look around and everyone is gone! The kids leave, perhaps go to college, and then are gone. There are graduations, weddings, job changes. You or a dear friend move to another city. “Mama” passes away. (My mother died in Dallas during COVID, March 2020).
All of these moments and seasons make up our story. It describes the way life was actually experienced. So how might we think about this?
Some of us live with regret. We wonder what might have been. We may have deep regret over our mistakes or the failures of another person which has impacted our lives deeply. We didn’t get over the pain, but learned to walk with God even through the darkest hours.
Some of us live with a focus on “someday.” Some of us think that surely there will come a day when we finally have the time to do the things we have been wanting to do.
Yet, the resurrection story is a reminder that the life of God will get us through this life whether we live with regret, sorrow, or the wistful realization that “someday” will never come. This resurrection story gives redemption and hope to the brokenness of our own story.
You and I can experience the very life of God. We can experience a deep joy that comes from God who has not abandoned us, but who has loved us.
Today, I can still enjoy a toddler’s smile, the beauty of a sunrise, or the graciousness of a teenager helping an older person who is struggling with opening a door.
Our present hope is not focused on what we are gaining, what we are achieving or how well we are performing. No, our lives in the present are dependent on the life of God within us, given to us by God. That is good news.
The Peace of Wild Things
Recently, I was talking with my 13 year old grandson Brody. We were talking about different kinds of emotions. At one point, I said to him:
“Brody, even at my age, there are times when I am afraid. Yet, I have learned that I need to trust God and do right even when I am afraid.”
Now perhaps fear is not the emotion you are dealing with right now. Rather, you may be dealing with stress, a sense of being overwhelmed or exhausted.
Sometimes it can help to go outside and spend time in nature. There may be a “peace” that you might experience in such an environment. The animals and all that exists in nature are simply living in the present.
When I was a young minister preaching in Florence, Alabama, I sometimes spent morning hours sitting at a picnic table, just feet from the Tennessee River. I sat with my cup of coffee and Bible (or another book) and read. That river, usually very calm and still, reminded me that regardless of what might be going on in the world, it was there and continuing to be a river.
At times, I would sit by that river and think about happy memories. Charlotte and I walked by that river on our first date. I still recall happy memories fishing with Doug K. in that river.
Today, even as I remember those earlier years, I know that my negative emotions, my fear, my worry, my anxiety, do not have to rule. God is present, always. Note the following from The Message, Luke 12:22-29:
He continued this subject with his disciples. “Don’t fuss about what’s on the table at mealtimes or if the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your inner life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the ravens, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, carefree in the care of God. And you count far more.
“Has anyone by fussing before the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? If fussing can’t even do that, why fuss at all? Walk into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They don’t fuss with their appearance—but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. If God gives such attention to the wildflowers, most of them never even seen, don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you?
“What I’m trying to do here is get you to relax, not be so preoccupied with getting so you can respond to God’s giving.
Do Others Gain or Lose When You are Present?
They talked several times that week. These two women had known one another for many years. However, at one point, one woman said regarding the other, “You know I love her but she is absolutely exhausting!”
Meanwhile, several people talked about meeting together one evening. One friend was hesitant to make a commitment for that evening. One person then turned to that friend and said, “I really hope you will come. When you are in the room, things are better. Your presence impacts the conversation.”
I like the quote from the dust cover of this book, How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen, by New York Times columnist David Brooks:
There is one skill that lies at the heart of any healthy person, family, school, community organization, or society: the ability to see someone else deeply and make them feel seen - to accurately know another person, to let them feel valued, heard, and understood.
Brooks suggests that we are either “diminishers” or “enhancers.” A diminisher really doesn’t see people. The number one reason we don’t see another is “egotism” (p. 20). We are so focused on ourselves, we really don’t even try.
Consequently, when I am with friends, I may talk way too much about me or make way too many comments on a variety of matters.
Diminishers are often not even curious about what another might think. Perhaps some of this comes down to perspective. Brooks tells an old story of a person who apparently only saw things from his perspective:
You may have heard the old story about a man by a river. A woman standing on the opposite shore shouts to him: “How do I get to the other side of the river?” And the man shouts back: “You are on the other side of the river!” (p. 20)
Then there are the illuminators. Illuminators see people well, as they are aware of the dignity of each person, who has been created in the image of God. Among other characteristics, illuminators give high quality attention to others. Brooks quotes the novelist Olga Tokarczuk who said, “Tenderness is deep emotional concern about another being” (p. 33).
This week, you and I most likely will be with a variety of people. How will we be present? Will we give one another high quality attention? Will we genuinely pay attention to another person, whether it is the barista at Starbucks or my own child?
When You Feel Isolated (Especially for Ministers and other Church Leaders)
If you have served as a minister in a congregation for any length of time, you may know what it is to feel isolated and alone.
For example:
A minister may feel alone in a congregation where a few people have been curt, abrupt and even vicious, questioning this minister’s true motives. To complicate this even more, one of these same people may stand behind a microphone the following Sunday morning and talk about the special love and care that exists in that congregation.
A minister may feel like he is hanging on by a thread. He may feel like he has been mistreated and yet doesn’t really know who to talk with. Perhaps this person has few, if any friends, outside the congregation to whom he can speak honestly.
While some ministers may be connected with a group of ministers (i.e. a group from seminary, a group of local ministers, etc.) some have no healthy group of ministers for support and perspective.
Some ministers look for an outlet or relief during times of isolation. This can be a vulnerable time for a minister as this person can see this outlet in pornography, an affair, the abuse of alcohol, etc.
Some ministers may withdraw emotionally even more in their loneliness. This can interfere with their marriages, being a parent, and friendships and create a sense of greater isolation.
What has been helpful to me:
It has been incredibly helpful to develop friendships outside the church in which I serve. (Be ready to initiate meeting for coffee or lunch, etc.) These friendships have blessed me greatly.
There are several times when I have talked with a therapist. You may have some initial resistance to this as I did at first. However, this turned out to be one of the best and most helpful things I’ve done.
I have often, through the years, initiated a conversation with a minister who appears to be healthy, joyful, etc. Talking with such a person about how they handle ministry, discouragement, etc. can be very helpful.
Etcetera (Listening, Viewing, Reading)
I love this quote by Dan Dehaan in his book, The God You Can Know, “Jesus did not come to make bad people good. He came to make dead people live.” (Thanks to Todd Still)
This is an excellent interview. Truett Seminary Dean Todd Still interviews Russell Moore.
Love this from Ray Ortlund, posted on Threads:
The best description of prayer I’ve ever seen comes from my dad in an article he wrote back in 1968:“Go to God, and hang on!” (Be sure to listen to Ray Ortlund/Sam Alberry’ podcast “You’re Not Crazy” (Excellent for ministers in particular).
I recently listened to “Person of the Week,” a very good interview podcast. I loved the episode “Designing Trust” featuring Brian Chesky (the co-founder of Airbnb).
And so I remember you have to pick a major freshman year. And there’s a department for this field called industrial design. And they said, industrial design’s the design of everything from a spaceship to a toothbrush. And I think the thing that’s amazing about that education is it teaches you empathy. It teaches you to put yourself in the shoes of the person you’re designing for. And you’re not just designing objects. You’re designing user journeys.
I serve as Vice President of Harding School of Theology, Memphis, Tennessee.
Every other Monday morning, I publish this “Encouragement Note.” You can subscribe at jimmartin.substack.com. You can also find me on Facebook - @jim.martin or Instagram - @jimmartin.jm. My e-mail address is: jmartin9669@gmail.com. Feel free to write. I would love to hear what is encouraging — Jim Martin
Thanks so much for your kind words, Sydney.
Dan, thanks so much for your kind words and for your feedback. I appreciate you and your ministry.