Jim Martin's Encouragement Note #94
What good parents do . . . Who will make the first move? . . . You were just kidding? . . . Seven realities of ministry (Especially for ministers/church leaders) . . . Etcetera
(Unsplash - Xavier Mouton)
The List of Five
What Good Parents Do
My mother said it often when she would get frustrated and even exasperated with my misbehavior. At one point, she would walk away and say under her breath, “Oh Lord give me strength!”
Little did I know she was praying. And— little did I know that one day, I would be uttering that same prayer regarding my own children. “Oh Lord give me strength!”
Being a mother or dad can certainly be challenging and difficult. At times, it is so hard! Yet, some of the most important work you and I will ever do is with our children.
James K. A. Smith has observed:
While headlines focus on spectacles and draw our attention to controversy, the things that make a society tick hum away in the background, in the quiet of life-giving homes and the energy of formative classrooms even in the sewers and transportation networks that enable us to share life in common. (Comment, Fall 2015, “Health Beyond the Hospital” p. 2-3).
As parents, we need to be aware of the significance of “the quiet of life-giving homes.” This may be where the most important work of our lives will be done. Yet in our busyness, we may ignore some of the most important realities of being a good parent.
What do good parents do who wish to raise children in life-giving homes?
Good parents continue to learn. Pity the child who is being raised by a dad or mom who won’t learn, grow, read, or ask questions of others. Their default is often their own experience. “This was the way I was raised. This is good enough for my children.” Granted, all of us can learn something from our families of origin. However, we bless our children when we continue to grow and mature as parents.
Good parents do not try to fill their own emptiness through their children. Children cannot fill the void in your life. If your marriage is not good, please don’t look to your children to fill that void. Children are not meant to carry the load of their parents’ marital dysfunction or emotional unhappiness.
Good parents give their children what they need and not whatever they want. What children need most, money cannot buy. Some parents, motivated by their own guilt, focus on giving their children whatever they might happen to want. For example, the parent who works many hours or travels much of the time may attempt to purchase something for the child to compensate for the parent’s absence from home. Parents can give their children many things but neglect to give them what they most need. Children need a spiritual grounding in the Lord, as well as the attention and emotional presence of their parents.
Good parents pray for their children. If parents are not praying for these children, who is? My own children are now adults with children and mortgages of their own. Yet, I cannot think of anything I do for my children that is more important than praying for them.
Good parents are fully present with their children in key moments. With the advances in technology, it is tempting to be available 24/7 to whomever might text or call. A mom or dad can pick up their children from school and then immediately get on their phone to talk with someone. Yet, for a child, the trip home may be an important time to reconnect and process what happened during the day. An hour later, that child may have no desire to talk about the day.
Good parents are intentional about the environment they create at home. Is the environment one of encouragement and hope? Is laughter heard in your home? Or is your home a place of discouragement, criticism, and sarcasm?
Being a parent can be exhausting. Being a single parent can especially be exhausting. However, it is important that parents do not allow their own fatigue to become the fuel that drives what happens in the home. A parent can allow fatigue and tiredness to result in snapping at children and modeling impatience instead of love. It creates tension in the home that may quickly escalate into arguments and threats. Good parents acknowledge their fatigue, refusing to allow it to shape what happens at home.
Good parents teach their children to love God. More than anything, children learn to love God by watching and listening to their mom and dad. Parents can take them to church, read them Bible stories and give them opportunities to be involved with others at church. However, nothing is more powerful than when a boy or girl gets a front row seat to witness their own mother or daddy live out their own faith walk with God. They can tell by how we live, how we speak, and what we value just how serious we are about God
Who Will Make the First Move?
We were seated in an outdoor area of a busy restaurant, waiting on our pizza. The people at the next table were inches away. They apparently spoke no English. We certainly spoke no Italian which was apparently their language.
Yet, it did not take an understanding of their language to know they were angry with one another. They sat at the table glaring at each another. Occasionally they spoke and when they did, it was intense.
Later, I wondered how long it took them to get beyond this quarrel. Could it be that each was waiting for the other to make the first move?
One one occasion, Charlotte and I were arguing about a particular issue. She insisted that the thing under discussion happened a certain way. I insisted she was wrong and had my own version of what happened. We argued about this for a few minutes and then it occurred to me that she was right. However, I had long committed to my own point of view. I didn’t want to admit that I was wrong and so we continued to argue. Only now, I was making a case for something I knew to be incorrect but my pride was at stake.
What was missing? My willingness to put the relationship before my pride. My willingness to make the first move. Had I been willing to make the first move, we would have made progress, instead of experiencing more futility and frustration.
How do you and I make the first move?
1. We can make the first move by taking action. Instead of sitting in the recliner telling your family that nothing is wrong (when it clearly is), take action! Apologize. Make amends. Talk through the situation. Acknowledge that something is wrong and work through it.
2. We can make the first move by choosing to initiate. Could it be that you have spent far too much energy delaying? Could it be that you just need to start? It is not a sign of weakness to make the first move.
3. You can make the first move as you stop focusing on yourself. When we focus too much on our disappointments and resentments, we can become cynical. Someone may read this and think, “But that’s hard!” Sure it is. However, the most significant moments in our lives often occur when we do the hard thing that we have been avoiding.
So where do you need to start?
You Were Just Kidding?
I looked at the gas gauge on the dashboard of my car and it was almost on empty.
There are some marriages that are very much like this - almost on empty. Nothing will drain the joy from a marriage more quickly than a steady stream of negative and critical words. When a couple constantly gripes and criticizes one another, that marriage will eventually lose its joy.
When one spouse continually picks at the other, it can feel like being nibbled to death by a duck.
Yet, sometimes a person may level criticism toward his/her spouse only to then say, “I was just kidding.” Often this is a passive aggressive way of refusing to take responsibility for what was said.
On a hot summer day, a husband has been working very hard in the yard. Finally, he comes inside, pleased with the improvement in the yard. Meanwhile, his spouse goes outside to look at the front yard. The very first thing she says in response to his work is, “Well aren’t you going to clean up the flower bed on the side of the house? It looks awful! It’s embarrassing!” No affirmation or appreciation for what has been done. Instead, the first word is a critical remark that basically says, “I see what you’ve done but it doesn’t measure up.”
Now of course there is a time when a spouse might express a need to clean the flower bed on the side of the house. Yet, something is wrong when we immediately choose criticism, while we ignore any expression of appreciation and gratitude.
One evening, this same couple eats a nice meal at home. She has prepared a roast that has cooked much of the day. She has also prepared several vegetable dishes and a nice salad. At the conclusion of the dinner, he asks about desert. After learning there is no desert, he begins to complain. Instead of expressing appreciation and affirmation for what she has done, he immediately begins complaining about what is lacking. No “thank you.” No words of appreciation. Just complaints.
Some husbands and wives are very critical toward their spouses and then attempt to justify their words. In their mind, their criticisms are very reasonable. In fact, they may not even see them as criticisms.
Yet, often what the other person hears is “You don’t measure up and what you do doesn’t measure up.” As a result, some husbands and wives feel defeated and unappreciated. As one woman said, “I can’t seem to do anything that is right in his eyes.”
You might ask yourself these questions:
Do I need to reign in some of my critical remarks?
Am I robbing our marriage of joy by my regular critical spirit?
Do my remarks tear down my spouse or build him/her up?
Bring words of encouragement and affirmation into your home. Make sure your words of encouragement and affirmation greatly exceed any critical words that you might express. Make your home a place where your spouse can be assured that he/she will hear far more encouraging, affirming words than negative critical words.
Seven Realities of Ministry (Especially for ministers and other church leaders)
1. Constantly focusing on what the congregation is not doing well is probably a dead-end street. One can become fixated on the shortcomings and dysfunctions of a congregation or other people individually. Consequently, this can soon sound like, “I am the only one here who really gets it. If it wasn’t for the knuckleheads in this church, we could be great!”
2. We can learn to acknowledge the difficulties of life and ministry and at the same time take responsibility for our own growth and maturity.
3. The church may be a microcosm of the culture, with it’s chaos, uncertainty, and disruption. Consequently, “. . . that cocktail of grief and fear and confusion” (John Mark Comer) can occupy our bodies, minds, and souls until we have little health and stamina to offer anyone.
4. We may not have a map for the future but we do have a guide. He is not uncertain, anxious, or nervous. This is the time for any leader to saturate himself with the Word of God. May we pursue him in spite of our tiredness and fatigue.
5. There is no disgrace in admitting we are tired or even exhausted. Yet, can we be intentional regarding our next steps? Can we provide empathic support? Can we articulate the purpose or meaning behind our work? Can we help one another with perspective? This says much about the value of friends who help you reframe a situation.
6. Our stamina and resilience will probably not increase by reading post after post of outrage and snarky comments. Instead, lets us pursue wisdom, which may call for a quieter, more responsive approach to the challenges of the day.
7. There is no quick fix. However, there is a way of life that focuses on maturity, clarity, and health that can help a person gain stamina for the journey.
Etcetera (Viewing, Listening, and Reading Resources)
I am re-reading Paul David Tripp’s book, Dangerous Calling. I wish I read this book years ago when I was a young minister.
Austin Kleon’s newsletter always makes me think. (Scott Elliot first made me aware of him a number of years ago).
This post by Margaret Marcuson (author of Leaders Who Last: Sustaining Yourself and Your Ministry) is helpful. “Do we need rules for e-mail and texting?” In a highly anxious culture like ours, this might be particularly helpful.
I love this David Brooks article (May 22, 2023), “Tim Keller Taught Me About Joy.”
I serve as Vice President of Harding School of Theology, Memphis, Tennessee.
Every other Monday morning, I publish this “Encouragement Note.” You can subscribe at jimmartin.substack.com. You can also find me on Facebook - @jim.martin or Instagram - @jimmartin.jm. My e-mail address is: jmartin9669@gmail.com. Feel free to write. I would love to hear what is encouraging or helpful. — Jim Martin