Jim Martin's Encouragement Note #91
Not exactly an Instagram moment . . . This can be a difference maker . . . If the Lord is on your side . . . Staying sane and moral (especially for ministers & church leaders) . . . Etcetera
The List of Five
Not Exactly an Instagram Moment
Scroll through Instagram for a few moments and you will see pictures of people smiling. Whether these people are with family, friends, or by themselves, they are smiling.
Could it be that these people are always like this? Perhaps they all have wonderful, satisfying marriages. Their kids seem to be doing something cute or receiving an award. These people generally seem to be doing something interesting or traveling to a wonderful destination.
Actually, these pictures are only a few moments of their lives. If you have a normal family, you know that life is not always an Instagram moment.
We were living in Waco, Texas and our girls were in their teens. We were about to have family pictures made. At one point, the girls began arguing as the photographer set up for the shoot. Finally, the photographer told us where to stand and to look at the camera. The girls stopped quarreling and both smiled.
These beautiful pictures are now frozen in time. Yet, sometimes when I see these pictures, I think about what was going on just seconds before they were taken.
What matters are not the Instagram moments. Rather, it is often what goes on in families when no one is looking. It is the ordinary moments on ordinary days.
My dad grew up in a modest home in southwest Oklahoma, in a family who just got by as they worked the farm. During the Great Depression, his family didn’t have much but neither did anyone else.
Their family were members of the Church of Christ in Granite, Oklahoma. W.D. Hockaday (1855–1944), one of the elders of their church, owned a hardware store and was also an encourager of good works. W.D. Hockaday helped start Cordell Christian College in 1907. He was the chairman of the Board, with its first President being J.N. Armstrong, who later served as the President of Harding University (1924-1936). Hockaday’s daughter was Sally Hockaday Benson, the wife of George S. Benson, who also later became the President of Harding University (1936-1965).
Of course, my dad knew none of this as a boy. What he knew is that Hockaday was a good and generous man.
During the Great Depression, Hockaday passed out Christmas presents to all the children in town. Children would line up in front of Hockaday’s store and wait their turn. Inside the store, Hockaday sat by a potbellied stove, greeting each child who passed by to receive a gift. He would give them a paper sack containing a few nuts, fruit, and a piece of candy. For many of these children, including my dad, this would be the only Christmas present they would receive.
These were ordinary moments on ordinary days. Yet, I have told the story of W.D. Hockaday and his generosity on many occasions. After all, something lasting was planted in my dad’s heart because of Hockaday.
Fast forward many years later. Our family left Bible class on a rainy Wednesday evening. We drove to a small frame house not far from the Pleasant Grove Church building in Dallas. That evening, I watched my parents give a sack of groceries to a young family. My dad practically gave away one of our cars to this family. As a young boy, I watched all of this closely and never forgot that moment.
What W.D. Hockaday did, many years ago, in that small Oklahoma town, impacted my dad. What my dad and mom did that Wednesday evening impacted me.
Families are more than an Instagram moment. What we are passing on to our children is not a perfect picture. Rather, we aim to pass on memories of a life well lived.
Don’t underestimate how special an ordinary moment on an ordinary day might be. This very week might have ordinary moments that will be remembered by your children and even your grandchildren.
By the grace of God, what you do and how you respond may last far beyond that moment.
This Can Be a Difference Maker
Have you ever been in conversation with someone and you knew they were not listening?
As I spoke, his eyes seemed to look right through me. I could tell he had stopped listening. He was probably thinking about what he was going to say when I stopped talking.
Yet, at times, I did something similar with my dad when I was in high school. As he talked, I sometimes stared straight ahead, my mind being far, far away.
Of course, as a dad, I later experienced the same. At times I even asked our girls, “Are you listening?” I’m not sure what I expected them to say in response.
One of the best listeners I have known is Carl Flynn who works for Baylor University. When I was a minister in Waco, Texas I would sometimes talk with Carl at the conclusion of our Sunday morning service. Often when I talked with Carl, we were some of the last people in our church building. Why? Carl listened intently and with great interest.
What if you and I were committed to becoming better listeners? Could becoming a better listener enhance our friendships? What impact might this have on our relationships with our parents and children? Could this be a difference maker?
What happens when we listen well?
We listen to the words and to the emotion that seems to be behind these words.
We listen to the words and watch the body language.
We listen for content, but we desire to really connect with that person.
We listen first to understand, then be understood (Stephen Covey)
When you and I are only concerned with getting our point across, we are going to have a weaker presence. When we rely upon positional authority, as the director, the manager, or the elder, we are going to have a weaker presence.
Our presence is strongest when we focus not on what we want, but on the needs, emotions, and longings of another. When we really seek to listen and connect with another, our presence may be felt deeply in the conversation.
When you talk with someone, do they feel as if you really tried to be present and connect with them? This can be a difference maker.
If the Lord is On Your Side
The air was tense due to the behavior of one particular person.
The group of seven had committed to work together and communicate with each other. However, one person in the group decided on his own to take a particular action which had implications for the entire group. Now the group was meeting together. At one point, during the meeting, he chuckled and said, “Well fella’s I figured it is easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission.”
I thought about his explanation. If he brought the proposal to the group, they might say “no.” So, he chose to take matters into his own hands and do it anyway. Then, he would presume upon their kindness to ask for forgiveness. This is a form of manipulation.
You’ve probably seen manipulation at work, at school, and perhaps even in your own family. One might have a personal agenda and begin to quietly talk with others, behind the scenes, in order to make this happen. Sometimes, a husband or wife will spend money and attempt to hide this from their spouse — a form of manipulation.
Manipulation usually has one aim - to get one’s own way.
Russell Moore, in a sermon, speaks of manipulation this way:
You can have someone who try’s to manipulate people to get what they want and then often when the manipulation doesn’t work, the response is rage. Sometimes you can even have people who try to manipulate people in syrupy ways that seem to be so kind and nice but when the manipulation isn’t working then you get what comes afterward.
Perhaps you have seen this.
A teen makes a request of his mother. Much to his frustration, she responds negatively to his request. So, he begins appealing to his dad, not telling him that his mother has already spoken to the request. Now, due to the son’s manipulation, mom and dad are frustrated with one another.
The employee plans to propose a particular project. Her supervisor is not happy with the proposal. The employee then takes her idea to a few others who rank higher than her supervisor. They seem to think this is a good idea.
A minister has a particular idea. He is going to visit with the elders regarding this. He attempts to manipulate his two favorite elders before the regular elders’ meeting. Yet, much to the minister’s surprise, the two elders express their preference for another approach. The attempt at manipulation doesn’t work and the minister is angry with the two elders.
Contrast this with the person who will just be authentic and even transparent. When you and I practice authenticity, we are simply expressing our own convictions and opinions. We understand that others are free to express their own. We may passionately express an opinion but we are not attempting to manipulate the outcome.
You and I can learn to trust God for the outcome. We can be old or young, married or single, and know that we don’t have to attempt to manipulate life. Instead we can trust the one who has got this. After all, we believe the Lord is on our side (Psalm 124).
If the Lord had not been on our side—
let Israel say—
if the Lord had not been on our side
when people attacked us,
they would have swallowed us alive
when their anger flared against us;
the flood would have engulfed us,
the torrent would have swept over us,
the raging waters
would have swept us away.Praise be to the Lord,
who has not let us be torn by their teeth.
We have escaped like a bird
from the fowler’s snare;
the snare has been broken,
and we have escaped.
Our help is in the name of the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
Staying Sane and Moral (Especially for Ministers and Other Church Leaders)
As a young man, he was a gifted minister. He was handsome and confident in those early years.
He preached for a large congregation and became quite popular as a minister. Then he had an affair, later followed by a second affair. He and his wife eventually divorced. He moved away and began working in a business. Some years later, however, this man’s life completely turned around and his walk with God was alive and fresh again. He once again became an obedient disciple.
Now, several decades later, I was having lunch with this man. I was a young minister and eager to learn. He told me that his mistakes and sins were rooted in his ego:
“People were telling me how great I was. The church was growing and good things were happening. Yet, that also meant that I had to work even harder to keep up the pace. I began to feel entitled.”
I appreciated my new friend’s candor. He was really trying to help me. That was about 35 years ago. However, I have not forgotten this man’s story.
Far too many people become intoxicated by the adulation of others. It is pretty intoxicating to hear others refer to you as important or indispensable. A person can become prideful to the point of taking an immoral detour that does unbelievable damage.
Some people live out of their own deep sense of insecurity and consequently seem determined to take advantage of anything which communicates they are special and even entitled.
A man remembers the days when he was overweight and chubby. Now, years later, he is slim, well dressed, and attractive. He has quite the reputation for being a flirt at work.
A woman remembers when she experienced lots of rejection and loneliness as a teenager. Now, years later, she has a high level job in a corporation but has problems saying “no” to any request that comes her way.
A preacher grew up in a small community and never felt like he was worth very much. Now, years later, he is preaching for a large church in a metropolitan area and feels a heightened sense of self-importance.
A young minister always felt like he was on the outside looking in when he was in high school. He remembers being very frustrated by not being in the more popular crowd in his school. Now, years later, he is determined to become a popular successful minister, regardless of the cost.
Three Suggestions for Staying Sane and Moral
1. Remember your calling. Ministry is not about your career or your reputation. Rather, ministry is a calling. Would you continue to serve as a minister if this meant serving in relative obscurity?
2. Stay connected with people who love you for who you are and not for what you do. Stay connected with people who feel free to speak into your life even when you don’t want to hear what they say. Look for people who will not be easily manipulated by you.
3. Consider what kind of person you will be in five years, if you continue down the path you are traveling. Is this who you really want to be?
Etcetera
This is an excellent article - “The New Old Age” by David Brooks (The Atlantic), August 25, 2023.
Barna research always interests me. “Except: What Pastors Wish They’d Been Prepared For” (Barna), April 19, 2023.
See this article “Yale’s Happiness Professor Says Anxiety is Destroying Her Students” by David Marchese, February 18, 2022.
I recently spent three day’s at the annual Harding Lectureship. I met with a number of ministers each day over coffee. Many of these were young ministers. Wow! I am so impressed with the heart, the thoughtfulness, the intentionality, and the graciousness of so many of these people. Churches across the nation are being blessed by these people.
I serve as Vice President of Harding School of Theology, Memphis, Tennessee.
Every other Monday morning, I publish this “Encouragement Note.” You can subscribe at jimmartin.substack.com. You can also find me on Facebook - @jim.martin or Instagram - @jimmartin.jm. My e-mail address is: jmartin9669@gmail.com. Feel free to write. I would love to hear what is encouraging or helpful. — Jim Martin
Thank you Timothy!
Such good lessons, as usual!