Jim Martin's Encouragement Note #31
Some of our most valuable resources are our time, energy, and attention. Yet, if we are not careful, we can allow these resources to waste away by simply not being intentional. Invest these resources wisely and they can greatly impact your effectiveness and the kind of person you become.
Maybe the following will be helpful.
The List of Five
What Memories Are Significant for You?
(Aaron Burden)
Much of what I remember about growing up in southeast Dallas seems ordinary and mostly pleasant. Yet, some memories are not so pleasant.
Recently, author Beverly Clearly died. She was 104 and wrote many children’s books. In her books, she often addressed difficult feelings that children experience.
Sophie Gilbert addressed this in a fine article which appeared in The Atlantic entitled, “The Mortifications of Beverly Clearly” (March 30, 2021).
The childhood memories we retain most searingly tend to involve shame. When I was 6, after being chided twice for talking too loudly during lunch, I was made to stand in the cafeteria by myself until the other kids finished their food. I can’t even type that sentence without flushing at how conspicuously bad I felt, and how alone. Humiliation is a kind of trauma; when we experience it, our nervous system floods us with adrenaline, heightening our perception and preserving the memory as a warning against future social transgression. And childhood is nothing if not a series of bungles, one maladroit, painfully public flop after another.
Nobody understood this better than Beverly Cleary. The children’s author, who died last week at the splendid age of 104, has been heralded for the way she captured—sweetly, and with humor—all the ordinary ups and downs of childhood: sibling rivalry, misunderstandings, having a teacher who you can sense doesn’t like you. But for me, and I’d posit for millions of other kids who messed up everything all the time, the awkwardness of Cleary’s characters was everything.
I certainly remember the awkwardness of being a child. I still remember a moment of humiliation that occurred when I was about to play a particular sport for the first time. The first practice was in a few days. The coach asked to see my equipment. As I showed him my newly purchased equipment, I realized I had bought the wrong gear. I remember feeling silly and awkward.
The coach did not respond poorly, nor was he insensitive. Yet, at that moment this feeling of embarrassment was very real. For some reason, this memory stuck with me. The “ordinary ups and downs of children” can certainly loom large in our hearts and memories.
Unfortunately, I also have a few memories in which I contributed to the embarrassment of others.
A number of years ago, I was at a funeral in Dallas in which some former classmates from high school were present. One particular classmate I had not seen in many years. For some reason, as we greeted one another, in the presence of a group, I laughed and said something thoughtless about his appearance. He forced a laugh but I could see the look of embarrassment and shame in his eyes. I suspect it brought up painful memories of difficult high school years. I regret what I said.
Today, I would like to be present with another in such a way so that a person’s memory of such an interaction is encouraging and even enriching.
Maybe one of the most significant ways you and I can invest our lives is being present in such a way that others have good, positive, memories that enrich and encourage. No matter how young old you might be, you and I contribute to the memory of another.
The Kind of Person Who Will Never Become Obsolete
The man I met seemed very confident. He was hard working, gifted, and recognized as very successful. Perhaps at one time, such a description alone might have especially gotten my attention.
Yet, at this point in my life, I am especially drawn to people who display wisdom.
Not quick-fire words spoken with no filter.
Not sarcasm that gets a cheap laugh
Not cynicism that leaves me thinking -"What's the use?"
Not the name dropper who seems to be saying. "Notice me!”
Not the one who constantly critiques and pounces on anyone who dares to speak words the other doesn't want to hear.
Not the person who wants to create an impressive image on Facebook, Instagram, etc. while the reality of their life is very, very different.
Give me the person who speaks and lives with an humble wisdom. Do I ever need to listen, watch, and learn!
Acknowledge the Emotion & Take Action
“We just need to move on,” he said. Yet, I could sense the people in the room did not resonate with his comment. One woman finally said, “Can’t we at least acknowledge what has happened and the losses we have experienced?”
Jacqueline Sperling, a clinical psychologist and director of training and research at the McLean Anxiety Mastery Program at McLean Hospital in Cambridge, Mass. speaks about living with chronic uncertainty. She recommends that those who face uncertainty first need to take a moment to validate their feelings. Sperling says, “Before you jump into problem-solving mode, acknowledge the emotional experience.”
To not acknowledge the emotional experience, is like standing outside in a rainstorm while refusing to acknowledge that you are soaking wet! Sometimes, it is helpful to acknowledge the obvious.
To acknowledge that you are tired, exhausted, or discouraged is not a sign of weakness or inadequacy. Rather, it is to simply be honest about life as you have experienced it. Recently, I spoke with a minister who described his year by saying, “It’s really been hard.” He went on to describe some of the specific challenges that he has faced and the toll this has taken emotionally.
Yes, we want to move on and solve problems. However, minimizing or even refusing to acknowledge the emotional experience is not a healthy way to deal with chronic uncertainty or ambiguity. Nor, is it effective if you want to move forward.
There are two actions I want to take:
I want to acknowledge the emotion that I have been experiencing. Has this season been hard, challenging, or discouraging? Thank God for sustaining me through his Spirit and for his constant love for me.
I want to take action and move a step forward. What is a small step I could take today that would move me in the right direction over the next 24 months? Thank God for his enabling power to move me forward.
Thinking . . .
What concerns you right now? I am concerned about the number of tired, exhausted, and discouraged ministers in churches. For some of these people, church is not a respite but a place of pain and intense criticism. (Yes, I know that many ministers make mistakes of their own and are responsible for these.) Many churches are highly anxious groups focusing their anxiety on their leaders. Numerous ministers have expressed that they feel as if there is a target on their backs and members are taking aim with their criticisms.
How do you stay refreshed? This is an ongoing challenge for me. However, I have found it very helpful to be intentional about practicing life-giving habits. I love early mornings with a cup of coffee, my Bible, and a book that nourishes me. Or, I may read a short article or two that in some way is inspiring. Occasional conversations with friends on the telephone, exercise each day, and seeing the faces (even through FaceTime) of my grandchildren are all refreshing. Finally, I am intentional about the kind of people I spend time with. I look for opportunities to be with those who energize me.
If you could start over, what might you do differently? I would be more grateful to God for what I already have in life instead of always wishing for something else or something more. This gratitude would also help me be more fully present with others, instead of wanting to be elsewhere.
What kind of person do you not want to be? I don’t want to grow old and become more self-consumed. Far too often, a self-consumed person spends a lot of time and energy complaining and griping about inconveniences. The focus is often on scarcity as one considers what in life doesn’t suit either that person’s preferences or wants.
Resources
I love Tim Keller’s recent conversation with Cary Nieuwhof and David Kinnaman (March 29, 2021)
See this article from the Wall Street Journal, “The Keys to Dealing with Chronic Uncertainty” by Rachel Feintzeig (March 21, 2021). A very good article.
You might consider reading this article from the New York Times, “We Have All Hit a Wall” by Sarah Lyall (April 3, 2021). Interesting comments by therapist Margaret Wehrenberg on the effects of chronic anxiety on us all.
See this recent article in The Atlantic by Tim Keller. “Growing My Faith in the Face of Death” (March 7, 2021).
See this excellent podcast series. Steve Cuss on dealing with critics. Part 1, Part 2, Part 3.
Check out this new podcast with Alister McGrath focusing on C.S. Lewis. “The C.S. Lewis Podcast.”
Each Thursday/Friday, I post about ten tweets especially for ministers and other believers as they anticipate Sunday. You can find me @jimmartin.
I serve as Vice President of Harding School of Theology, Memphis, Tennessee. You can find me at God-Hungry.org. You can find me on Facebook - @jim.martin. My e-mail address is: jmartin9669@gmail.com. Feel free to write. I would love to hear what is encouraging or helpful. — Jim Martin
