Jim Martin's Encouragement Note #27
Have you ever met someone who, very quickly, seemed to put you at ease?
We had just moved to Kansas City, Missouri. On a snow covered day, I stopped by a local insurance agent’s office to ask about car insurance. A few minutes into the conversation, his phone rang. He excused himself and briefly spoke to the caller for a couple of minutes. He hung up, smiled at me, and said, “Excuse me. My brother is the governor. When the governor calls, I answer.” He laughed and we returned to our previous conversation. He seemed far less impressed with his access to the governor and more concerned that I was at ease in his office.
I hope this encouragement note blesses you today. Perhaps in some way, you and I can live with greater ease.
Consider the following list of five.
The List of Five
For a Better Week, Start With These Commitments
What will help bring your better self to any relationship, whether at work, with friends, or while serving in a congregation? You will bring more to any relationship or group with the following commitments:
Be calm - Be intentional about functioning as a calmer person, especially when you don’t feel calm within yourself. A calmer presence begins with a sense of self-awareness regarding how you actually feel and might show up if you aren’t intentional.
Be aware - Be aware of your own anxiety as well as the anxiety that seems to exist in another. It can be helpful to be aware of how I typically function when I am very anxious. For example, am I typically angry, irritable, on edge, or frantic?
Be present - I want to show up fully present instead of being preoccupied with another’s reaction.
(These three suggestions are not original with me. I do not remember where they originated.)
Kathleen Smith, a marriage and family therapist in the Washington D. C. area has written a helpful article entitled: “Stop Guessing Who’s Mad At You.” Consider these words which may bring some clarity:
You are responsible for managing your own anxiety, listening to the thinking of others, and being the kind of person you want to be; other people are responsible for managing their anxiety, communicating their thinking, and letting you know if they’re upset.
One of the best things you and I can do — particularly anyone who is a leader - is to manage yourself. Learn to manage your own anxiety and your own functioning.
This has numerous practical implications. For example, I am responsible for loving and cherishing my children. I am not responsible for making them happy. As a minister, I want to love and cherish the congregation I serve. Again, I am not responsible for making them happy. Taking responsibility for the happiness of others is an impossible goal and a dead-end street. My responsibility is to manage myself.
What Might Help You Navigate Through the Losses
A few years ago, Susannah Smith wrote a fine article entitled “Loss: An Engine of Growth?” As the title suggests, the article was about loss and what it might contribute to our growth. After a difficult year like 2020, we might describe losses with examples such as these:
The funerals you didn’t attend.
The weddings you missed.
The church services you and I watched online instead of being with fellow Christians personally.
The Christmas that was virtual. So many experienced Christmas without families being physically present.
Yet, loss is not unique to a pandemic year but is a part of the human experience.
When your M.D. tells you that the test results are in. She is concerned.
When you learn that your son has left his wife and children.
When you receive the news that you no longer have a job.
When someone at your congregation, with whom you have spent hours serving and helping, tells you he is leaving for another congregation where he can get his “needs” met.
Loss hurts. Loss is hard. Loss can be exhausting. Yet, loss occurs not only personally but within the life of a congregation.
I find these words from Smith helpful:
Whatever the situation, a church leader is wise to tread carefully, recognizing that the disturbance caused by loss could open a door into a healthier way of being. It’s a good time for leaders to be curious about how the congregation has reacted to past losses. Did it find creative, imaginative ways to deal with loss that helped it move into the future with new direction and energy? Or, in its rush to restore its equilibrium and get past its sense of helplessness, did it apply a bandaid solution that avoided painful adjustments?
She then says, “I think loss can be the engine of growth in our personal lives and in our relationship systems. The question that presents itself when we experience loss is, ‘Am I functioning through this loss in a way that leads to growth in myself and healthier relationships with others?’ If your answer is ‘yes’, keep on keeping on!”
There is great wisdom here. Are we responding to these losses in such a way as to enhance our maturing? Or, do we just react from raw emotion? Does my functioning reflect a growth and development as a result of these losses?
Make Fewer Decisions - Experience Less Stress
When we moved to Memphis over seven years ago, most every situation in our new city, meant a new decision. “Where do we find a plumber?” “Where do I get my hair cut?” “What family physician, dentist, attorney, will we use?” “Where is the best place to get our car serviced?” The decisions seemed endless!
We had moved from Waco, Tx. where we lived for 20 years. The longer we lived there, the fewer decisions like these we had to make. After all, most of these decisions had been made a long time ago. A long time ago, we had already decided on a M.D., a dentist, an attorney, where to get a haircut, etc.
One useful principle is to make fewer decisions if possible. Instead, have in place regular habits. I don’t decide each morning whether or not to have coffee. I decided this a long time ago.
Seth Godin quotes Elizabeth King as saying, "Process saves us from the poverty of our intentions." Godin goes on to say:
What does it mean? It means that if you have a practice and you wake up in a bad mood, you still have a practice. If you have a practice and something interrupts you for a day or a week, you still have a practice and you can get back to the work. Whereas, if you say, "I'm waiting for the muse and for inspiration, I'm waiting to do something I love, I'm waiting to be in the mood," not only don't you have a practice, but the first day that isn't perfect, you're out of the game.
Habits and practices can give much freedom. Do I have good habits in place that help me become the person I want to be? What habits need to be in place if I am going to become the kind of person I want to be?
What are your daily or weekly habits?
Is there a time each day where I read my Bible, pray, journal, etc.?
Is there a time/day where I read my book?
Is there a certain time each day in which I exercise?
When You Must Navigate Through a Crisis.
Recently, I listened to a podcast called “The Exchange.” This particular issue featured a helpful conversation with Dr. Merete Wedell-Wedellsborg, an executive coach and psychologist from Denmark. She spoke regarding “Leadership and Covid-19 Trauma.” She suggests that there are three phases which might be helpful in understanding our experience during the pandemic of 2020-2021.
Below are notes that I took from the podcast. This way of thinking about our life/work/ministry right now may be very helpful.
Emergency phase (or shock phase) - This is a period of great productivity. We find fresh energy and purpose during this phase. So much is getting done even though this period is a crisis.
Regression phase - This is a tough phase for both companies and leaders. People are subject to war-room fatigue. Performance and energy drop. People become the worst version of themselves. Tempers flare and conflict escalates. The key to understanding this is knowing that this is all about emotions. It is about understanding the underlying emotions in yourself and in your team.
Some have feelings of fear. You may feel that you are not doing it (parenting, your work, your ministry, etc.) right or that someone could do it better.
Recovery phase - During this phase it is really important to focus on what you do and why you do this. On the surface many seem to have hope, optimism and excitement. However, Dr. Wedell-Wedellsborg has observed that no one is feeling relieved. A lot of mixed emotions are present.
The best performing leaders talk about what is going to happen a year from now but they are very realistic.
A real key here is to not focus on reopening but renewal. What did we learn? How can we move faster next time? What if this happens again? We want to have a realistic optimism. The biggest mistake you can make is thinking “It is over.”
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Resources
I love this interview! Carey Neuhoff interviews author, blogger, Seth Godin. Godin is always interesting and certainly makes me think. See the interview here.
This is a brief but helpful article by Kathleen Smith, a Washington D.C. area marriage and family therapist. See Stop Guessing Who Is Mad At You.
What an outstanding article! See “How to Lead When Your Team Is Exhausted — and You Are, Too” by Merete Wedell-Wedellsborg in Harvard Business Review.
I recently compiled a list of books that have been significant to me in the last 24 - 36 months. You can find that list here.
Each Thursday/Friday, I post about ten tweets especially for ministers and other believers as they anticipate Sunday. You can find me @jimmartin.
I serve as Vice President of Harding School of Theology, Memphis, Tennessee. You can find me at God-Hungry.org. You can find me on Facebook - @jim.martin. My e-mail address is: jmartin9669@gmail.com. Feel free to write. I would love to hear what is encouraging or helpful. — Jim Martin
Oh my goodness, I felt like I could exhale reading this! Thank you so much for your continued wisdom and encouragement!