Jim Martin's Encouragement Note #13
Paying attention to a few practices can be an important “difference maker.” Nourishing my body, mind, emotions, and soul can make such a difference — especially during a challenging year like this one. Caring for the self is vital!
Each “Encouragement Note” is designed for people who are looking for helpful habits, practices, or just a few nuggets to take away. Sometimes, what is written is simply meant to encourage.
The following list of five may be helpful.
The List of Five
What I Learned from a Guy I Had First Decided Not to Like
(Take away: I was blessed one evening by a guy whom I had previously decided I did not like. Did I ever have a lot to learn!)
On October 12, 1995, I was flying home (to Waco, Texas) from Maryland and had changed planes in Chicago late that evening. We boarded the plane and for a while no one was seated in the middle seat. Then, a guy came down the isle, who happened to be wearing what appeared to be an expensive suit. He had stylishly long hair and a deep tan. I had seen him in the waiting area and had already decided that I didn’t like him. (I know this kind of judgement is immature. Just telling you what was in my mind while sitting on the plane.) He looked at the middle seat next to me and gestured that he would like to sit there. I silently groaned.
He asked me what kind of work I did. I told him that I was a minister. He said that he had recently started going to a new church that he really liked.
He explained that this church took the approach that everyone is battered and bruised in some way. This doesn’t necessarily mean that a person has experienced a life that some might perceive as hard. “All of us have experience being bruised or battered in some way.”
He appreciated his Bible class based on the “12 steps” and asked if I knew very much about “the 12 step program.” I was familiar with it because at one time, I worked as a volunteer counselor at a residential alcohol/drug treatment center in Alabama.
He then elaborated on this: “I have been in the program for 2 years. My serenity prayer is the Lord’s prayer. There are days when I know I must repeat it to myself 20 and 30 times per day as it gives me serenity. I say this prayer very carefully concentrating on the words.”
At that point, he looked at me intently and said, “I really admire someone in your position. You have an important job and can do so much good.” I was stunned.
Earlier, I had looked at him with envy and then contempt having concluded that there was nothing good about the man. This man, who appeared so urbane, sophisticated, and experienced, was actually very humble. In this conversation, the Lord proceeded to convict me of my arrogance and of being so judgmental.
I don’t want to forget this. For me, this was a significant learning moment. May I remember that I still have much to learn. Can you relate to this?
This Title Caught and Kept My Attention
(Take away: Smith’s book is particularly helpful for anyone who wants to live as a non-anxious presence and find clarity within a given system (family, church, business)
What a book with a timely title! Everything Isn’t Terrible: Conquer Your Insecurities, Interrupt Your Anxiety and Finally Calm Down by Kathleen Smith who is a therapist in the Washington D. C. area.
Gather most any group of ministers today and many will tell you just how difficult things are right now. In recent weeks I have spoken with a number of ministers, church leaders, and others about the conversations in their congregations:
Tension regarding churches “re-opening.” Masks or no masks? Do we require this or suggest that? Some say their congregation is way too slow about re-opening. Others say their congregation is moving way too fast.
Some Christians adamantly voice political opinions on social media expressing views across the spectrum.
Some say the COVID-19 virus is a hoax and overblown. Others speak of exhausted healthcare workers who are caring for those who are so sick.
Racial tensions. Ministers hear things like: “You didn’t say enough” or “You went to far in what you said.”
I find the following quotes, by Kathleen Smith, helpful, especially in light of the fear and anxiety that seem to permeate the air. I encourage you to read through these slowly:
Thinking for one’s self in a group is incredibly difficult, especially when anxiety is high. Most of the time you end up simply conforming to relational pressure, cutting off from the group, or investing all of your energy into forcing others to change. But what if you simply took the time to define your beliefs and danced them out, like a smart little bee? (Kindle location 178)
We truly live in anxious times. In a recent public opinion poll, the American Psychiatric Association reported that a majority of Americans are anxious about their safety, their health, their finances, their relationships, and, of course, politics. We fight on Facebook, we flee the Thanksgiving table, or we freeze up and hope someone calmer will solve the world’s problems. Stuck on high alert, we’ve stopped looking at the facts and started assessing situations based on our feelings. (Kindle location 60)
Because when we feel anxious, we often try to make other people change. We try to calm everyone else down so we can finally relax. But if you can work on managing yourself in these relationships, it’s likely that your family, your workplace, and even the greater world will calm down a little too. (Kindle location viii)
Reacting (feelings) can look like: • answering nonemergency emails at ten p.m. • not taking chances for fear of rejection • setting impossible deadlines • being overly accommodating to other people • taking on responsibilities of no interest or value • checking social media to see if people like your post (Kindle location 316)
Responding (thinking) will look like: • sharing your thinking without focusing on the reaction • seeing rejection as manageable and inevitable • setting realistic deadlines • saying no to tasks not in line with your values and interests • refraining from managing other people’s emotions or behaviors (Kindle location 316)
Kathleen Smith, Everything Isn’t Terrible: Conquer Your Insecurities, Interrupt Your Anxiety, and Finally Calm Down.
When You Feel Anxious
(Take away: At times the atmosphere seems to be full of thick clouds of anxiety. I want to remember the one who is always near )
Not long ago, I woke up in the middle of the night and laid in bed watching anxious thoughts parade through my mind. As each anxious thought passed by, I felt more and more uncomfortable. I felt worried, powerless, and more and more anxious.
I finally got out of bed (3:00 AM) and made a list of every anxious thought that had been in the night parade. I read a Psalm and began to pray through this list, basically giving them to God.
Perhaps the most important thing that any of us can do right now is to pay very close attention to the spiritual disciplines which in so many ways, prepare us to receive the very life and nourishment that God offers to each one of us.
From there, we can get up in the morning and take the next step toward the will of God. Perhaps we do this as in the words of Deborah and Barak, found in Judges 5:21 - “March on, my soul; be strong!”
Focus on What You Can Control
(Take away: There is so much going on in the culture that seems beyond our control. I do have control, however, over my words )
Memphis is hot and muggy this time of the year. I am so grateful for air-conditioning. I can at least control the temperature of our home.
There is so much that is out of our control. News stories from around the world can leave one feeling helpless to make a significant difference about any of these issues. As I was reminded in a sermon by my friend, Matt Snowden, there are things we can control. I can control how I communicate to others.
My words and my tone matter. My words can destroy another person. My words can build up and encourage another. Ephesians 4:29: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
With our words, you and I can make such a positive difference toward impacting the atmosphere of our home with our words. Our homes have a certain atmosphere.
I can communicate in a negative way and create a difficult atmosphere for others in my home:
Complaining, griping, and looking for the negative in any situation.
Being critical of those in your home. When family members regularly sigh in exasperation or roll their eyes when another speaks, this only enhances the negativity.
On the other hand, I can communicate in a positive way and help to create such a good atmosphere n my home:
Genuine compliments where one points out the good in another.
Enjoying laughter, not at someone’s mistake or misfortune, but simply enjoying the presence of another person.
Communicating empathy as I listen deeply to what another is saying.
Resources
Whitney Johnson and Amy Humble, “To Take Care Of Others Start By Taking Care of Yourself” in Harvard Business Review, April 28, 2020.
Kathleen Smith is a therapist and a student of Bowen Family Systems. You might find her newsletter helpful. See The Anxious Overachiever.
Tod Bolsinger, “Leadership Exhaustion and a Spirit of Adventure” in De Pree Journal, June 24, 2020. Excellent article!
Each Friday/Saturday, I post about ten tweets especially for ministers and other church leaders as they anticipate Sunday. You can find me @jimmartin.
Jim Martin serves as Vice President of Harding School of Theology, Memphis, Tennessee. You can find me at God-Hungry.org. You can find me on Facebook - @jim.martin. My e-mail address is: jmartin9669-at-gmail.com. Feel free to write. I would love to hear what is encouraging or helpful.
