Jim Martin's Encouragement Note #126
Love is in the details . . . Three from whom I learned . . . Don't waste an opportunity for gratitude . . . Trust is everything (especially for ministers/church leaders) . . . Etcetera (resources)
(unsplash - Ahmet Kurt)
The List of Five
Love is in the Details
“Of course I love my kids”
“You know I love you”
These statements are meaningful. Yet, what might be even more meaningful are the “details” as to how this love is expressed. What does it mean practically to love someone? I have been thinking about this lately as I reflect on my love for Charlotte, our children, and our families.
What love might mean:
You suggest that you and your spouse go to a restaurant, the one that the other prefers.
You put your phone away while you listen intently to your child talk about her day at school.
You acknowledge certain anniversary dates (i.e.- the death of a child or perhaps the death of a spouse) that are very hard for your friends.
You listen to the details of your spouse’s day knowing these details have meaning to her.
You take the initiative to call a family member and “check in.” You do this even though this person or other family members rarely check on you.
You take care of a project at home because you know your spouse would appreciate this.
Love is in the details.
Saying “I love you” can be very important. Yet, what may be even more important is to pay attention to the details of what makes another feel loved.
Maybe a “next step” might be simply paying attention to a particular detail that might make the love I verbally express even more meaningful.
Three From Whom I Learned
I was thinking about three men who made a significant difference in my life, particularly as a young man.
My dad. I am grateful for several things he modeled. I have a clear memory of regularly seeing him in his recliner, reading his Bible, and highlighting various passages. In addition, I am grateful for both his and my mother’s commitment to our home congregation. The life and ministry of our congregation always seemed important to my dad. I also learned much from my dad about honesty, hard work, and overcoming obstacles.
Charles Coil (my father-in-law). I witnessed again and again his graciousness with others. I had a front row seat to the thoughtfulness and tenderness he expressed to my mother-in-law. He had a deep desire, rooted in his relationship with God, to live pleasing to God. As a young man, husband, and minister, this example was very influential.
Lynn Anderson (a long time mentor). Lynn was a longtime friend of Charlotte’s family, long before we married. The hours I spent with Lynn, whether in person, by phone, or even in hearing him teach/preach, were so significant. At times, he gave me needed encouragement, and at other times gave me direction as to how to live as a man, husband, and father. I was deeply formed by his preaching and teaching. I recall hearing him preach the very first time as he spoke from the Sermon on the Mount (Abilene, Texas - 1974).
These were three different men. Each of them had an important impact on my life. Like these three, you and I can be used by God to have a significant impact on other people. In particular, I am thinking about our children.
Many children are being raised by wonderful, self-giving, Christ-following parents. Yet, many other children are being wounded through the neglect and self-centeredness of a dad or mom.
For some it may be a dad who repeatedly breaks promises to his children and then manipulates their wounded hearts. Some children grow up without the security of a father who keeps his word and keeps his promises.
I knew one child, whose parents were divorced, who kept looking out the front window of her house. (She and her siblings lived with their mother.) Each time, she was hopeful that her dad would pick her up at the designated time. However, often her dad would call and say it “just didn’t work out” for him to come by this time.
As a father, there are many ways you can bless your children. One way is through your faithful and loving behavior with your children. Ultimately, a father cannot talk his way into a loving, trusting relationship with his children. A father’s behavior is what will be remembered.
You and I have the opportunity to have a significant impact on others. Consider the following:
Do my words bless or curse others?
Does my behavior create trust or does it confuse others due to my inconsistencies?
Am I more concerned with what others think of me or am I more concerned with my actual behavior?
Don’t Waste An Opportunity for Gratitude
Lately, I have been thinking about many people whom I am grateful for.
Winston Churchill told the story of a Royal Navy sailor who rescued a boy who had fallen into the frigid waters of Plymouth Harbor. The next day the sailor was walking through the downtown area. The boy who had fallen in and his mother were walking nearby. The boy spotted the sailor, tugged at his mother’s coat, and pointed him out.
They began walking toward the sailor. He saw them and assumed the mother wished to thank him. As they approached him, he looked at the boy, stuck out his chest and beamed with pride. He took off his cap and the lady said, “Young man, are you the one who rescued my boy from Plymouth Harbor?” The sailor replied, “Yes ma’m, I am.” The mother then said, “Well, I would just like to know one thing: Where is that boy’s cap?”
Perhaps you have experienced moments like this when someone did not express gratitude. Perhaps you felt taken for granted.
Yet, when you experience God’s grace, gratitude is always appropriate. You and I can thank God for his grace in our past, present, and future!
You and I can also express gratitude to others.
We are debtors to those who encouraged us, who taught us, who preached to us. We may be debtors to grandparents, parents, and other family members who walked with God.
Who needs to hear a word of gratitude and thankfulness from you?
Do you need to thank your parents or your grandparents?
Do you need to thank your minister and the shepherds in your congregation?
Do you need to thank your friends who have been beside you even through difficult times?
Trust is Everything (Especially for ministers and other church leaders)
I was a young minister in conversation with an older, experienced minister. I asked questions, trying to learn all I could. I especially remember the following:
Jim, if these people trust you (as their minister), there is a whole lot you can do in this congregation. However, if they don’t trust you, there is very little you can do.
Losing trust can be a deal breaker for any minister.
Trust is critical in marriage, friendships, in a job, and in serving a church.
When there is no trust, everything is hard, and can be very draining. A lack of trust saps energy. Meanwhile, trust can energize and invite creativity.
The following realities regarding trust and authenticity are important for any minister (I Thessalonians 2:1-10):
Behave your way into trust. Beware of attempting to talk your way into trust. You can build trust in a group but this always starts with you and your own behavior.
Behave as a trustworthy person. For a Christian, this is an issue of my discipleship, my growth into greater Christ-likeness (James 5:16; Ephesians 4:25)
Behave with trust in all of your relationships, your family, friends, and co-workers.
Behave with trust with smaller ministry groups as well as the entire congregation.
Helpful questions toward building trust:
Can I be trusted? Pay attention to your own integrity. (No attempt to deceive - 2:5) - What do you say or do when no one is looking?
Do I exercise good judgement in what I say or do?
Do I know what I am doing? Pay attention to your own competence. If you don’t know how to do something, get help! If trusted people seem to be questioning your competence regarding a particular concern, listen intently to them. Then, make a decision about your next step.
Etcetera
1. I watched an excellent interview - Robert George interviewing former Senator Ben Sasse - “Great Minds Matter: Western Civilization and the Liberal Arts with Ben Sasse.” Ben Sasse is always thoughtful, reflective, and helpful.
2. Recently, I listened to two very good podcasts - Lantz Howard - “Whole Hearted Leadership.” Lantz interviews Jeff Schulte and Phil Herdon of Tin Man Ministries - “Unveil Your Emotions with Your Wife, . . . “ and “What are Emotions and Why I Should Care, . . .”
3. This might interest a few. Earlier in this “Encouragement Note” I mentioned the congregation where I grew up. In my earliest years, this was Pleasant Mound Church of Christ. Meanwhile, nearby was the Pleasant Mound Methodist Church where theologian Stanley Hauerwas grew up. (See Hannah’s Child: A Theologian’s Memoir, p. 1ff.)
I formerly served as Vice President of Harding School of Theology, Memphis, Tennessee. Prior to this, I served as a minister in various congregations for 36 years.
I am a husband, father, and grandfather. One of my favorite things to do is to come alongside another person and encourage her or him.
Every other Monday morning, I publish this “Encouragement Note.” You can subscribe at jimmartin.substack.com. You can also find me on Facebook - @jim.martin or Instagram - @jimmartin.jm. My e-mail address is: jmartin9669@gmail.com. Feel free to write. I would love to hear what is encouraging. — Jim Martin
Thank you Bill!
Thank you Sydney!