Jim Martin's Encouragement Note #116
Will I let my circumstances diminish God or enlarge my heart? . . . You can do hard things . . . Put on your big-boy pants . . . Manage yourself . . . Etcetera (resources)
The List of Five
Will I Let My Circumstances Diminish God or Enlarge My Heart?
“I’m stuck!” I don’t know how many times I said these two words during this season of my life. As I talked about my ministry, my work, and my life, I often said or thought these two words.
“I’m stuck”
Yet, I was missing a question that had the potential of transforming my choices, my attitude, and my life. My friend helped me see this.
One day I was having lunch with my dear friend, Dr. Bill Petty. Bill is the former Dean of the Business Department at ACU and then taught at Baylor University for many years. For a time, Bill served as one of the shepherds in the church where I served as a minister.
At this lunch, I was expressing my frustration about feeling trapped in my ministry role. My focus was on my limitations and constraints. I found plenty of people to blame.
Bill listened patiently and then asked me a question that would help me for decades:
If you could design your role in this congregation, what would you do? If you could write your own job description, what would be on it? What would not be there?
Then he said, “Don’t limit yourself.”
These words invited imagination, possibility, and creativity. Instead of focusing on my limitations, these words invited me to focus on “What do I really want to do?”
This was an important shift. When I focused on my limitations, I felt stuck, diminished, and more frustrated. I was not only limiting myself, but limiting God.
When I focused on the future, my imagination was engaged, and I felt more energized. My heart was enlarged.
This simple shift in my thinking didn’t solve everything. However, it was helpful as I approached each day. It was helpful as I focused on the things I did have control over instead of being consumed by circumstances outside my control.
Could this be helpful to you?
I have never forgotten this question from my friend Bill. Now, decades later, I am thinking about it again.
You Can Do Hard Things
You know what it is to face a challenge. The path again looks steep. Moving forward looks to be hard. You hesitate.
Yet, the truth is: You can do hard things.
You are not limited to what is easy or comfortable. You and I can do hard things.
You and I can step into our calling even when we feel internal or external resistance.
You and I can be consistent with our children when it would be easier to look the other way.
You and I can work through difficult seasons in our marriages even when it is so difficult.
At this point, someone might say, “But that’s easier said than done.” Yes, but this remains true.
I’ve found that much of life can be extraordinarily difficult.
Yet, we depend on God and trust in the empowerment of his Spirit. We hold on to his promises. We trust in his character.
Today, a place to begin might be in simply being honest with yourself:
What is a hard thing are you avoiding because it is so hard?
What first step could you take, even though it seems small?
Six months from now, what might your life look like if you begin addressing this hard thing today?
Put on Your Big-Boy Pants
There is a phrase that I think about occasionally, which was spoken by one of the most influential people in my life, Dr. Charles Siburt. Charlie was a fountain of wisdom for many people and in particular, many ministers.
Recently, while reminiscing with a friend about Charlie’s impact on our lives, we both recalled the straightforward advice, he gave to many:
Put on your big-boy pants!
These are simple words, but had such an important meaning.
So many people have “ripped their britches” in relationships by behaving in a manner that is immature emotionally.
Consider these signs of emotional, immature behavior:
Reacting instead of responding. Reacting with raw emotion instead of responding with wisdom.
Choosing to manipulate others instead of processing and working through a situation together.
Evading responsibility. Blaming others when things go wrong instead of taking responsibility.
Behind-the-scenes sabotage. Sabotaging someone with whom you differ instead of being upfront and honest.
Us-vs-them mentality. Constantly framing a situation in terms of either being with us or being with them.
Exaggerating the position of those who differ from you or exaggerating the consequences of a decision: “We have 100 people ready to walk out of this church if we go in that direction.”
The bottom line is that you and I need to seek maturity. This really matters in marriage, as parents, and in our other relationships. Our willingess to “wear our big-boy pants” will make a huge difference in these relationships.
Manage Yourself (Especially for ministers and other church leaders)
If you are a minister or a church leader in another role, I hope the following is particularly helpful to you. This has been significant for me.
Ministers must put a premium on staying connected with others while maintaining a strong sense of self.
This means that as a minister I need to avoid two extremes:
Beware: The Echo Chamber
One extreme is to know what you believe to be important but then to only really value the relationships of those who see things your way.
Consequently, as a minister, you might put a premium on investing in relationships with those in the congregation who agree with you. At the same time, you may make little effort in investing in those who are not quite sure whether or not they agree with you at this point. The temptation might be to ignore these people.
Yet, I need to look for opportunities to do anything to bless these relationships. I can have a healthy sense of self while I attempt to stay in relationship with these people. (This is basically self-differentiation.)
Beware: The Emotional Chameleon
Another extreme is to lose your sense of self as you seek to have the approval of everyone.
Other ministers seek relationships by trying to be liked and win the approval of others. They are willing to say or do whatever might make someone “happy.”
They believe that something is wrong if someone is not happy with them. If someone puts pressure on them or expresses displeasure, they may react to this anxiety by becoming anxious themselves. As a result of this practice, they eventually lose their sense of self and the church loses a valuable resource.
Consider a Healthy Self
Hold to your convictions while valuing genuine relationship with others.
Value and desire relationship with all people in your congregation, not just those who agree with you.
Lead with purpose and clarity while showing genuine respect and patience with others.
Maintain healthy personal boundaries without building walls.
Know that you bless others (including your family) when you pursue a ministry that values a healthy self.
Etcetera
Began reading Tod Bolsinger’s excellent book, How Not to Waste a Crisis: Quit Trying Harder.
I recently listened to several excellent podcasts featuring Seth Godin. He was interviewed on the Coaching for Leaders podcast. Cary Nieuwhof interviewed Godin on his podcast. Godin is an imaginative thinker with a keen sense of curiosity. I always learn something each time I listen or read his books.
I formerly served as Vice President of Harding School of Theology, Memphis, Tennessee. Prior to this, I served as a minister in various congregations for 36 years.
I am a husband, father, and grandfather. One of my favorite things to do is to come alongside another person and encourage her or him.
Every other Monday morning, I publish this “Encouragement Note.” You can subscribe at jimmartin.substack.com. You can also find me on Facebook - @jim.martin or Instagram - @jimmartin.jm. My e-mail address is: jmartin9669@gmail.com. Feel free to write. I would love to hear what is encouraging. — Jim Martin
Thank you, Jim.
Appreciate the email and encouragement.